PS 3511 

.124 23 .. . 

1923 

Copy 1 

Zander 
the Great 

A COMEDY 

In Prologue and Three Acts 

BY 

SALISBURY FIELD 

Copyright, 1923, by Salisbury Field 
Copyright in Canada, 1923, by Salisbury Field 
Copyright in Great Britain, 1923, by Salisbury Field 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 
Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 


SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 





























ZANDER 
THE GREAT 

A COMEDY 

In Prologue and Three Acts 

BY 

SALISBURY FIELD 


Copyright, 1923, by Salisbury Field 
Copyright in Canada, 1923, by Salisbury Field 
Copyright in Great Britain, 1923, by Salisbury Field 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 
Publisher 

28-30 West 38th Street 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
STRAND 








V* 


-p 


/ h 


3 


PERSONS IN THE PLAY IN ORDER OF 
THEIR APPEARANCE 


Jackson Pepper. 

Oliver Macy. 

Mamie 

Zander. 

Elmer Lovejoy. 

Good News. 

Texas. 

Dan Murchison. 

Juan 

Jim Sawday. 

Bill Price. 

The Play consists of a Prologue and three acts. 


; 

©CLD 65011 


JUUi’23 




u n 


PROLOGUE 


X 


Scene: A back yard in Weeweedin, New Jersey. 

At R. one sees the rear of a dilapidated frame 
house, with steps, down R., leading up to a 
back porch, and so to the kitchen door which is 
not visible. 

* At L. one sees a tumble-down barn with 
practical double doors which are closed and 
padlocked. Up stage an old picket fence runs 
from left to right and beyond that trees, 
shrubbery and a glimpse of the roof of an 
adjoining house. 

There are three entrances: from the house, 
down r; above the house, up R.; and above 
the barn, up L. 

Time: Towards six o clock of an afternoon in May. 

Discovered: Jackson Pepper, a neat little man 
of about sixty-five, in a threadbare suit. He is 
seated in an armchair, smoking a pipe. 

A pause, then Oliver Macy enters from the 
house. He is about 50, clean shaven, more of 
a New England type. 


Jackson.— Got your figures, Oliver? 

Oliver.— Yep. 

Jackson.— How do they stack up? 

Oliver. —Not any too good. —(Noticing f chair 
Jackson is sitting in .)—Hold on! I didn't get 


4 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


that chair. Get up, a minute, will you?—( Exam¬ 
ining chair which Jackson vacates.) —How much 
would you say that chair was worth, Jackson? 

Jackson.— ( Regarding it appraisingly.) —Oh, 
about a dollar. 

Oliver. —Would you give a dollar for it? 

Jackson. —Look here, Oliver Macy! Don't 
you try and sell me that chair because I don't 
want it. 

Oliver. —I'm not trying to sell it to you. I'm 
just showing you how we appraise things. 
(Examining chair again.) The left arm is cracked, 
and one of the rungs is missing. That chair, 
Jackson, ain't worth, market value, more than 
sixty-five cents. But some fool woman is liable 
to lose her head at the auction tomorrow, and 
run that chair up, as high as two dollars. So to 
be on the safe side, I'll just value it at a dollar— 
thirty. ( Writing figures in note book.) —Adding 
that to what I got I appraise the furniture in the 
house and this chair—all told—at seventy-six 
dollars and eighty cents. 

Jackson. —That's a right smart lot of money 
to be tied up in furniture. When my missus and 
I was married back in '82 we furnished our whole 
danged house for fifty dollars. We've added to 
it since, though. 

Oliver. —You can't buy much for fifty dollars 
now-a-days.—( Indicating house.) —There ain't 
much inside I'd take as a gift, except the bed she 
died in. That's a real good bed—curley maple. 

Jackson. —I never did like curley-maple—gives 
me the fidgets. Black walnut's good enough for 
me. Give me a black walnut bed and a rosewood 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


5 


coffin every time. These new-fangled coffins, 
now—they doll ’ em up to look like rosewood but 
they ain't. I scratched a corner of the one Mrs. 
Caldwell was buried in yesterday just to see. It 
wasn’t nothing but white pine underneath. No, 
sir—nothing but white pine! She certainly was 
a handsome corpse, though. Don’t recollect ever 
seeing a handsomer. How much do you judge 
this house and lot is worth, Oliver? 

Oliver. —Well, it ought to fetch twelve hund¬ 
red dollars at a pinch, but there’s a six hundred 
dollar mortgage on it. I haven’t appraised the 
flivver yet. 

Jackson. —Seems like no matter how poor 
folks is now-a-days they’ve got to have a flivver. 

Oliver. —Yes, and the poorer they are the 
more liable they are to have one. It ain't as if 
Mrs. Caldwell had bought this one, though—she 
took it for a board bill. I don’t believe anybody 
but Elmer Lovejoy could have made it run, either. 
I’ll bet Elmer’s spent as much as eighteen dollars 
of his own money on that car. 

Jackson. — I guess you know why, don’t you? 
He’s sweet on Mamie. 

Oliver. —I’m real surprised at Mamie. She 
took it a lot harder than I thought she would. 
When you come right down to it, it ain’t as if 
Mrs. Caldwell was any relation of Mamie’s. 

Jackson. —Relation be blowed! I got twenty- 
four relations and I’ll let you have twenty of ’em 
as a free gift. The other four is dead. It was 
different with Mamie! She kinda adopted this 
family. And she worked mighty hard for ’em 
too. Kind of sad when you come to think of it, 



6 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


a nice kid like that having to go to the orphan 
asylum. If we could only find his father maybe 
things would be a lot different. 

Oliver. —Maybe. I guess he wasn't much 
good, though. No man’s much good, Jackson, 
that goes away and leaves a woman and a nice 
kid behind the way he did. -Hasn’t been heard 
of for over a year, I understand. May be dead 
for all we know. 

Jackson. —Well, the hand of God is in it 
somewhere—you can depend on that. We got to 
have faith, Oliver. Without faith this life is 
nothing but a vale of tears. And even when you 
got faith it ain’t any gol-darned picnic. Got a 
match on you.— (As Oliver gives him a match )— 
Thanks. 

Oliver.— (As Jackson lights his pipe.) —Well, 
I got to get back to the office. I’ll take a look at 
the flivver first, though.—(He goes to door of shed 
L. which is closed and padlocked. Trying lock.)— 
Hullo! The door is locked. Know where the 
key is? 

Jackson. —Guess Mamie’s got it.— (Calling .)— 
Oh, Mamie! Mr. Macy wants the key to the 
garidge. 

Mamie. — (Off stage). —All righty! I’ll take a 
look around for it. 

Jackson. —Mamie felt real bad not having a 
black dress « to wear to the funeral yesterday. 
There was a black skirt belonging to the late 
lamented that just about fit her, too. She 
wouldn’t wear it, though. I guess she was right 
at that. I wouldn’t want anybody at my funeral 
wearing my second best black pants. No, sir! 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


7 


Oliver. —( Glancing at his watch). —Say, Tve 
got to get back to the office—it's later than I 
thought.—( Calling to Mamie). —Found ’that key 
yet, Mamie? 

Mamie.— (. Inside house). —No, sir. Not yet.- „ 

Oliver. — (To Jackson). —Well, I can’t wait.— 
(Taking out note-book). —I’ll just appraise that 
flivver at eighty-five dollars. It’s more than it’s 
worth, anyway.—( Writing down figures). —Going 
up town, Jackson? 

Jackson. —No, Mamie said she wanted to see 
me about something. You certainly are a hustler, 
Oliver. 

Oliver. —(. Putting away notebook). —Got to be. 
There’s a man coming to see me about renting a 
house. Weeweedin certainly is growing. Three 
new families moved in last month.— (He turns 
and goes off up R.) 

Jackson. — (Calling after him). —How about 
them five families that moved out the month 
before.— (Jackson puffs at his pipe for a moment , 
then Mamie’s voice is heard off stage.) 

Mamie. —Come on, honey.— (She enters from 
porch leading Zander, a five-year old child by the 
hand. Mamie wears a calico dress. Zander a 
white shirt and blue denim overalls.) —Mr. Macy 
gone? 

Jackson. —Yep. Find that key? 

Mamie. —(Sitting down on box near Jackson, 
and lifting Zander up beside her.) —No, sir. I 
mean it wasn’t lost. I had it in my pocket all 
the time. 

Jackson. —Then what did you tell him you’d 
lost it for? 



8 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —I didn’t. I said I’d take a look 
around for it. Don’t you remember? 

Jackson. —That was a deceitful answer, Mamie. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. But I didn’t want Mr. 
Macy to see the flivver. 

Jackson. —Why didn’t you? 

Mamie. —Because I’d put a few things in it I 
thought Zander ought to have. 

Jackson.—W hat kind of things? 

Mamie. —Oh, just a few little things.— {Hastily, 
to turn the conversation). —Say, Mr. Pepper, 
where’s Arkon, Ohio? It’s in Ohio, ain’t it? 

Jackson.—Y ep. 

Mamie. —That’s what I thought. Zander’s Pa 
and Ma was married in Akron, Ohio. I got their 
marriage license, too. It’s a nice thing for a kid 
to have, ain’t it?—(To Zander). —Do you hear 
that, honey? Mamie’s saved your Pa and Ma’s 
marriage license for you?—(To Jackson). —You 
never can tell how much that kid understands. 
He don’t say much, but he’s awful bright for his 
age. 

Jackson. —What did you want to see me about, 
Mamie? 

Mamie. —I wanted to ask you just once more if 
you wouldn’t let me adopt Zander. Please, Mr. 
Pepper! I got to have him. I promised poor 
Mrs. Caldwell on her dying bed I’d look after 
Zander just like he was my very own. And I’m 
going to. 

Jackson. —It’s no use, Mamie. I called a 
special meeting last night on purpose. I told ’em 
you were the natural guardian of that kid. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


9 


Mamie.—Y ou did? 

Jackson. —Yep! But they wouldn’t hear of it. 
And when I got home—I oughtn’t to tell you this 
—I spoke to my missus about us adopting him— 
only she couldn’t see it that way, either. 

Mamie. — (To Zander). —This ought to be a 
lesson to you, honey. You never know who your 
friends are till you get into trouble, and then 
maybe you don’t know ’em—just at first. Mr. 
Pepper tried real hard to help you, so I want you 
to thank him pretty the way I taught you. 

Zander.— ( Gravely) —Thank you. 

Mamie.— (Proudly to Jackson).— I’ll bet there 
ain’t many kids has got as good manners as 
Zander has. I’m awful particular about his 
manners.— (As Zander quite unexpectedly spits.) 
—Alexander P. Caldwell, Jr. Ain’t you ashamed 
of yourself? 

Zander. —’Scuse me. 

Mamie. —Well, that’s better. You got it 
hindside before, though, honey. You ought to 
say “excuse me” first and then spit.— (Tapping 
him on the arm ) —Now do it right for Mamie. 

Zander. —’Scuse me.— (He spits). 

Mamie. —That’s Mamie’s boy! You do what 
Mamie tells you and you’ll grow up a fine man 
like Mr. Pepper. 

Jackson. — (All lights start dimming slowly).— 
Don’t you worry about that kid, Mamie. The 
orphan asylum over to Pottstown is a real nice 
place. He’ll get along fine there. 

Mamie. —No, he won’t. You can’t tell me 
anything about that asylum over to Pottstown. 



10 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Wasn’t I in it for ten years? And who got me 
out? Mrs. Caldwell. She gave me the only 
home I ever had, and she was mighty good to me, 
too, And if you think I’m going to let her kid 
go there, you’re mistaken. Zander ain’t going 
to any orphan asylum, Mr. Pepper. 

Jackson. — (Rises ).—Where is he going, then? 

Mamie. —He’s going with me. 

Jackson.—W here to? 

Mamie. —New York City. 

Jackson. —New York City! You’re crazy! 
What do you want to take that kid to New York 
City for? 

Mamie. — (Rises ).—So they won’t find us, and 
take him away from me. Besides, I’ve got to get 
a job, and where the most people is, is where the 
most jobs is, ain’t it? 

Jackson. —But Mamie, you can’t do that. 
That kid’s been committed to the asylum. The 
papers is all drawn up and everything. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. That’s why we’re going. 
Besides, I got everything all planned out. We 
can do it. Don’t you worry about that. 

Jackson.—I t ain’t right. 

Mamie.—I suppose it’s right to take a kid away 
from the only person in the world that loves him. 

Jackson. —(Changing his tactics ).—When was 
you figuring on leaving, Mamie? 

Mamie.—O h, pretty soon. 

Jackson. —Catching the 6:45 train, I suppose? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


11 


Mamie. —And have the conductor and the 
brakeman and everybody know where we are 
going? I guess not. 

Jackson. —Then how are you going? 

Mamie.—I n the flivver. —( She indicates shed.) 

Jackson. —What's that? You can’t take that 
flivver, Mamie. It belongs to the estate. 

Mamie. —Well, the estate belongs to Zander, 
don't it? 

Jackson. —Yes, but that flivver is under the 
jurisdiction of the court. You can't take it 
without written order. 

Mamie.—O h, can't I? Well, you just watch 
me. —( Xes to shed L., unlocks and opens doors. 
Zander and Mr. Pepper follow her.) 

Jackson. —But Mamie! You can't do that. 

Mamie.—S ure I can. 

Jackson. —(. Following her). —You can't, either. 
It's against the law. 

Mamie. —( Opening doors and disappearing in 
barn followed by Zander.) —Oh, I should worry 
about the law. 

Jackson. —( Following her into barn). —But, 
Mamie, you can't do it, I tell you. 

Mamie. —You just take the wheel and guide her 
while I push. 

(A pause and the flivver comes rolling out. It is 
a most disreputable looking affair—packed high 
with everything one can think of. A mattress and 
a frying pan, etc. Perched high in the tonneau is a 
box covered on down-stage side by canvas.) 



12 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


(Mamie — coming out and viewing the flivver with 
great satisfaction). —Say, I saved an awful lot of 
stuff for Zander, didn't I? 

Jackson. —Mamie Adams, this thing has got 
to stop right here. I put my foot down. 

Mamie. — (To Zander). —Do you hear that, 
honey. Mr. Pepper has went and put his foot 
down.— (Picking him up and depositing him in 
front seat of flivver). —Now you stay there, and 
sit still like a good boy.— (She takes his hat and 
coat from tonneau and hands it to him). 

Jackson. —Oh, all right! I won't argue with 
you. You won't ever get to New York City, 
though. 

Mamie.—W hy won't we? 

Jackson. —Because they'll catch you before 
you get twenty miles from Weeweedin. 

Mamie.—I' ll bet they don't. How they going 
to catch me? 

Jackson. —By the New Jersey numbers on the 
flivver. 

Mamie. — (Indicating flivver). —I guess you did¬ 
n't notice the numbers. I got Pennsylvania 
numbers on. 

Jackson. —Say, you have, haven't you? 
Where’d you get 'em, Mamie? 

Mamie. —Elmer Lovejoy got 'em for me—off 
a car that was stored in the garage where he works. 
—(A whistle is heard off L. behind shed.) —There's 
Elmer now. He said he'd be over to see us off.— 
(She runs up stage, gives an answering call , then 
returns. A pause—then Elmer Lovejoy enters 



ZANDER THE GREAT 13 


up L. He is a young mechanic, about 26 — good- 
natured, shrewd and likeable.) 

Elmer.—( Surprised at seeing Jackson).— 
What’s the idea? Does Mr. Pepper know you’re 
going? 

Mamie. —Don’t you worry about Mr. Pepper, 
Elmer. He wouldn’t tell on us. 

Jackson. —I would, too. I’m going to tell on 
you. 

Mamie.—O h, no, you ain’t! 

Jackson. — (Weakly). —Well, I ought to!— 
(With more spirit, to Elmer). —Look here, Elmer 
Lovejoy! Was it you that put Mamie up to this? 
Because if it was you ought to be ashamed of 
yourself. Do you know what’s liable to happen 
to her? She’s liable to be arrested for contempt 
of court, grand larceny, and kidnapping—for 
running off with that flivver and that kid. 

Mamie. —It ain’t Elmer’s fault, Mr. Pepper. 
He tried awful hard to keep me from going. 

Jackson. —Well I’m glad somebody’s got some 
sense around here. 

Elmer. —I guess everybody in Weeweedin 
knows how I feel about Mamie. Didn’t I ask 
her to marry me last night right here on this very 
spot?— (To Mamie). —How about it, Mamie? 
Couldn’t change your mind? 

Mamie.— No, Elmer. 

Jackson. —You don’t want to take “no” for an 
answer, Elmer. 

Elmer. —Oh, I’m not licked yet, Mr. Pepper. 
Just as soon as I can afford it, I’m going after her. 



14 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —We may not stay in New York City, 
Elmer. 

Elmer.—I don’t care if you go as far as China. 
I’m coming after you. 

Jackson. —(. Ingratiatingly). —And I'm coming, 
too. Ain’t I, Elmer? 

Elmer. —You bet! That’s a promise, Mr. 
Pepper. And it won’t be long, either. I’ve got 
on to something, Mamie. I’m going to get rich, 
I tell you. 

Mamie. —You’re a nice boy, Elmer, and I like 
you. But if I ever do get married, it’s not going 
to be because I want to, but because I’m so crazy 
about some fellow that I just can’t help myself. 
0 Glancing up at the sky which is beginning, to 
darken ).—Well, I guess we’d better be starting. 
(Half wistfully ).—I kinda hate to leave Weewee- 
din. It’s a real nice place. 

Zander.— Wabbits! Wabbits! 

Jackson. —Say, what’s that kid talking about? 

Mamie. —( Taking her own hat from tonneau and 
putting it on ).—His rabbits. Old Mrs. Weston 
gave him a pair last week. They’re real cute, too. 
—(To Zander). —Mamie didn’t forget your rab¬ 
bits, honey.— (.Lifting canvas on box in tonneau 
which contains two white rabbits .)—Look! They’re 
on behind. 

Jackson. —Well, I’ll be jiggered!— (To Mamie.) 
—You can’t take those rabbits to New York City. 

Mamie. —Sure I can. Well, good-bye, Mr. 
Pepper. You’ve been awful good to us .—(They 
shake hands ).—Good-bye, Elmer. You’ve been 
awful good, too, the way you fixed up the flivver, 
and everything.—(As Mamie starts to climb in 
flivver). 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


15 


Elmer. —Say, here’s those keys. I forgot all 
about ’em.— (He 'produces a bunch of keys from 
his pocket.) 

'Mamie.—M y soul and body! I forgot about 
’em, too. —(She reached into tonneau and hands 
him a battered Japan-tinned box about 18 inches 
long.) —Can you open it, Elmer? 

Elmer. — (Taking box). —Sure! I can open 
anything.— (He starts trying to fit one of the keys 
to it.) 

Jackson. —What’s in the box, Mamie? 

Mamie. —I don’t know, Mr. Pepper. It be¬ 
longed to Mrs. Caldwell. I tried to open it last 
night, but it’s awful strong. 

Elmer. — (Who has unlocked it). —Here you are. 

Mamie. —(Taking box and sitting down on 
running-board of flivver.) —Wouldn’t it be fine if 
it was full of money?— (Opening box). —No, it 
ain’t money. I guess it’s where poor Mrs. Cald¬ 
well put her keepsakes.— (Fingering things in box , 
but not showing them to audience.) —There’s a 
faded rose—awful faded. Zander’s Pa must 
have give her that. And there’s a little pair 
of shoes. Zander’s first shoes, likely.—( Blinking , 
her eyes to keep back the tears.) —Say, I’m going to 
cry in a minute.— (Then resuming). —And here’s 
a bundle of letters—kinda faded, too.— (To 
Jackson). —’Spose we ought to read ’em? 

Jackson. —Things that belongs to dead folks 
is best left alone. 

Mamie. —Yes, but maybe they’d tell us some¬ 
thing about Zander’s Pa. You see poor Mrs. 
Caldwell was took so sudden she didn’t have time 
to give me any instructions. I’ll bet she’d want 



16 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Zander to read 'em, though. And Zander can't 
read so I'm going to read 'em for him.—( Opening 
first letter arid reading). —Darling Edith— 

Jackson. —Edith! That was poor Mrs. Cald¬ 
well's name, all right. Go on, Mamie. 

Mamie. —I guess I won’t read it.—(. Putting 
letter back in envelope). —I'll just save it for Zander 
when he grows up. 

Elmer. —Is that all there is in the box? 

Mamie.— (. Running through the letters.) —Yes, 
that’s all. No it ain't, either.—( Taking a letter 
from the bottom of the pile). —Here's a letter that 
ain't faded at all. It's got a funny stamp on it, 
too. — ( Examining stamp , and spelling). — 
M-e-x-i-c-o—Mexico. Say, that's where Zander's 
Pa went!— (Opening letter and glancing at signa¬ 
ture). —Yep! And it's signed Al. That was his 
Pa's name. Alexander P. Caldwell.— (She reads 
letter to herself.) 

Jackson. —What does it say, Mamie? 

Mamie. —It ain’t a very nice letter. Says he 
can't send any money.— (Reading on). —Says 
Mexico ain't any good—(Reading on — then sud¬ 
denly). —Elmer! Listen!— (Reading from letter.) 
—“Am leaving next week for Singletree, Arizona! 
Your loving husband, Al." 

Jackson.—I s that letter dated? 

Mamie. —(Glancing at letter). — No. 

Elmer. —What town in Mexico is it from? 

Mamie. —It don't say. 

Elmer. —(Taking envelope from her).— Let's see 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


17 


the envelope. Maybe I can tell from the post¬ 
mark.—( Examining postmark). —No, it’s blurred. 

Mamie. —What difference does it make? The 
letter says he's going to Arizona, don't it? And 
if he said he was going he went, didn't he? And 
if he went, he's there, ain't he? Say, this changes 
all my plans.— (To Elmer, as she climbs into front 
seat of flivver). —Wind her up, Elmer. 

Elmer. — (Cranking flivver). —You'll let us hear 
from you, Mamie? 

Mamie. — (As engine starts). —I'll write as soon 
as I get there. 

Jackson. —If you're lucky you ought to be in 
New York City tomorrow. 

Mamie.—O h, we ain't going to New York City. 

Jackson.— (As flivver begins to move towards 
exit up R.). —Where are you going? 

Mamie. —Out to Arizona to find Zander's Pa. 


CURTAIN 



18 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


ACT I. 


Scene: The center room of a three-room adobe 
house on a ranch near the border in Southern 
Arizona. 

Time: About 8:30 in the evening 3 months later. 

The ranch is owned or controlled by Dan 
Murchison. 

His two associates are Texas and Good 
News. Texas, the younger, about 26, is 
slender, quick, and a bit of a dandy. Good 
News, who acts as cook, is about 1+0. 
Unkempt, unwashed, unregenerate, he is one 
of the world’s profoundest pessimists . 

The room in which the action takes place is 
the dining-room arid sitting-room for the outfit. 
It is littered with their possessions — coats, 
hats, saddles, bridles, what not—Down |r. a 
fairly large table covered with oil-cloth, is sur¬ 
rounded on 1+ sides by benches. On the table 
is a sugar bowl, pepper, silt, a bottle of catchup, 
a tin of Carnation condensed milk and a pack 
of playing cards. 

Also two packs of cards and old newspaper. 

There is a battered old arm chair down L. 
which is the particular property of the boss. 

The room is lighted by a lamp with a large 
reflector hung over the table, and a bracket lamp 
L. 

A door R. opens into the kitchen; a door L. 
into Murchison’s bedroom. Through an open 
door, rear, one looks out into the starlit night. 

At rise of curtain, Good News is seated at 




ZANDER THE GREAT 


19 


R. end of table reading an old newspaper. A 
pause, then Texas enters through door rear. 

Good News. — {Seated r. of table. Looking up.) 
—Any sign of the boss yet? 

Texas. — {Throws down hat and gloves. Coming 
down and sitting upstage of table). —Nope—not yet. 

Good News. —Knowed there wouldn’t be. 

Texas. —It sure is a pretty night, though.— 
{Picks up pack of cards and shuffles them). 

Good News. —Won’t last. 

Texas. —Well, if it don’t cloud over none, I 
guess the boss’ll manage all right. I sure would 
hate to drive a car without lights on a night like 
last night was. Where’d you all get the news¬ 
paper? 

Good News.—-I t come around the sugar. 

Texas. —{After a pause as he has dealt himself 
out a poker hand and drawn to it). —Well, what do 
you know about that? Drawed to a pair of fours 
and caught three sevens first rattle out of the box. 

Good News.—C an’t see as it done you much 
good. 

Texas. —Sure it done me good. Shows my 
luck’s still holding. And we sure need lady luck 
with us tonight, old timer. We sure do.— {After 
a pause). —Wonder what’s keepin’ the boss. If 
he left San Julian— {Pronounced in Spanish 
fashion) —the minute it got dark like he said he 
would, he ought to be here by now. 

Good -News. —Truck’s broke down, most 
likely. 



20 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas.— I got to hand it to you, Good News. 
If there’s anything rotten that can happen to a 
guy, you certainly do think of it. The boss’ll be 
here before long, though, you see if he ain’t. 
It’s slow work driving without lights the way he 
is. That’s why he’s late. 

(A pause. Good News goes on reading. Texas 
dealing himself out poker hands. Then—) 

Good News. —Say, Texas, who’s this guy 
Warren G. Harding? 

Texas.— (Without looking up from his game ).— 
Never heard of him. 

Good News.— ( After a pause). — Doggone it! 

Texas.—W hat’s the matter? 

Good News. —You know Buck Riordan? 

Texas— What about him? 

Good News.— He done fell off an oil derrick 
over to Mariposa and killed himself plumb dead. 

Texas. —Say, that’s too bad! 

Good News.—Y ou’re darn tootin’ it is. The 
sun-of-a-gun owed me four bits.— (After a pause 
while Texas continues dealing himself poker hands 
and Good News reads).—What do you ’spose 
prime beef was on the hoof at St. Lewie yester¬ 
day—8 cents. 

Texas. —Say, how old is that there newspaper? 

Good News.— (Looking at date). —Say, the 
joke’s on me. Buck Riordan, he’s been dead 4 
months, and I didn’t even know about it. 

Texas. —Thought that there paper couldn’t be 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


21 


right. Beef ain't no 8 cents in St. Lewie. You're 
doing pretty doggone well to get five. 

Good News. —That's right. The country's 
gone plumb to hell. 

Texas.—O h, I don't know. Business ain’t so 
bad in our line. 

Good News.—'T won't last. 

Texas. —Don't have to. If we can put a few 
more over like the last one, it can bust wide open 
for all I care. I wish the boss would come, though. 
It sure does make me nervous to have him late, 
when he's driving a truck with fourteen thousand 
dollars worth of booze on it. —(Stopping and listen¬ 
ing intently ).—Do you hear anything? 

Good News. —( Listening ). —Nope. 

Texas. —( After a pause). —Sure you do.— 
(Auto starts. As a faint sound is heard off L. a 
car some distance away approaching in low gear ).— 
That's the truck. Its' just beginning to hit the 
grade—Hear it now?— (Motor increases ). 

Good News.—Y ep, I guess that's the boss, all 
right. 

Texas. —Better light the lantern, old timer. 

Good News. —That's right, too.— (Rises and 
goes R. for lantern. He takes lantern to table 
and lights it). 

Texas. —And I'll get my gloves. Them cases 
of booze is sure hard on the hands. —(He secures 
gloves and comes back to table. As he does so a 
light appears from L. rear—that of an approaching 
motor car. Texas, excitedly ).—Say, what's that? 

Good News.—W hat? 



22 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. —That light.— {Both X to door rear). — 
The damn fool! He’s got his lights on! Say, 
what does he think he’s doing. Does he want the 
whole county to know we’re running booze? 

Good News. —By golly! He must be crazy. 
’Tain’t like the boss though. Say, Texas— 

Texas.—W hat? 

Good News. —Mebbe he can’t help himself. 
Mebbe there’s a deputy sheriff sitting alongside 
of him. 

Texas. —Sheriff! Gee, I never thought of 
that!;— {Drawing revolver from holster which is 
hanging on the wall by the door, and backing towards 
door r. preceded by Good News.) — Well, he don’t 
get me. —{The car comes to a stop before it reached 
door. The motor is turned off.) 

Good News. —Me, neither.— {They go out r. 
closing door softly behind them. A pause, then 
Mamie appears in doorway, leading Zander by 
the hand. They are both travel-stained and weary.) 

Mamie. — {Calling, but not loudly, as she stands 
in C. door). —Hullo! Is anybody home?— {Receiv¬ 
ing no reply, she advances further into the room and 
looks about her. Then to Zander, who is leaning 
wearily against her .)—You’re clean wore out, ain’t 
you, honey ‘{—{She picks him up and carries him 
over to big chair L. which has its back to the door). — 
Don’t you worry. Mamie will find somebody. 
{She deposits Zander in chair, then turning, in¬ 
spects the room again. After a little hesitation she 
goes to door l. and knocks softly. No answer, she 
knocks again louder. Receiving no answer she Xes 
to R. door. As she does so, Texas appears in c. 
door rear.) 

Texas. —Hold on there! What do you think 
you re doing? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


23 


Mamie.— ( Who has jumped back at the sound of 
his wee).—Oh! You—you kinda scared me. 
Good evening.—( She waits for a reply, but as 
Texas is silent she goes on). —I thought there must 
be somebody here on account of the lamp being 
lit.—(. Points to lamp. After a little pause .)— 
You’re a cowboy, ain’t you? I’ve seen ’em in 
the movies, but I never met one before. 

Texas. —(< Coming down c.)—What do you 
want?—(As he says this Good News enters from 
R. closing door with a bang). 

Mamie. — {Startled, turning to him). —Oh, there’s 
fwo ot you. Ain’t there any ladies living here? 

Good News. —Ladies? Say, that’s rich, that 
is. No, ma’am. There ain’t no ladies living here. 

Mamie. —( Looking about her and taking in all 
the untidiness). —I was afraid there wasn’t. You 
see, at all the places I’ve stopped at before there’s 
been ladies, and they’ve been mighty nice to me. 

Texas. —{To Good News).—H ey! Go out 
and turn out them lights.— {He indicates lights of 
car outside). 

Good News.— {Goes up back of table and exits 
C.>—That’s right, too. 

Mamie. —What did you tell him to turn out 
my lights for? 

Texas. —That’s my business. Now, then, what 
you doing here, and what do you want? 

Mamie. — {Auto lights go out). —Why, I don’t 
want anything. Honest, I don’t. I just stopped 
to find out about the road. 

Texas. —What road? 



24 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —The road to Singletree. Seems like 
we ought to be there by now. 

Texas. —Oh, you was going to Singletree, was 
you?— ((To Good News who enters rear from L.)— 
She says she was going to Singletree. 

Good News.— (Down C, —Then what’s she 
doing here? 

Mamie.—(. Pointing outside). —But the road I 
came by—ain’t that the road to Singletree? 

Good News.—N o, ma’am, it ain’t. 

Mamie. —Then where does it go? 

Texas.—I t don’t go no place. It stops right 
here. 

Good News. —That’s right. If you was going 
to Singletree, you sure took the wrong road. 

Mamie. — (Xes to c.)—You mean I’ve got to go 
back the way I came? 

Good News. —Yes, ma’am. You should have 
turned off at a windmill about 15 miles back. 
When you get to that there windmill, instead of 
going straight ahead, you turn to the left. 

Mamie. —Fifteen miles! Then how far is 
Singletree? 

Good News. — About 35 miles. Ain’t that 
right, Texas? 

Texas. —Yep, that’s right. And you better 
get going, sister. You can’t stay here. 

Zander.—M amie!—(T exas and Good News 
are both startled). 

Good News— Sufferin’ Moses! 

Texas. —What the hell! 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


25 


Mamie.—I t’s only Zander.— (Xing to him L.c.) 

Good News. — (Coming down c.)—Well, I'm a 
son-of-a-gun if it ain't a kid! 

Texas.—D arned if it ain't! 

Mamie. — (To Zander). —What's the matter, 
honey? 

Zander.—I want my supper. 

Mamie.— ^(To Texas). —You see Zander ain't 
had his supper yet. Thought, of course, we would 
be in Singletree by supper time, didn't" we, 
honey?— (To Zander). —Never mind, Mamie will 
see that you get your supper.— (To Good News). 
—Have you got any fresh milk? 

Good News.— (Steps to table r.c.).—N o, lady, 
we ain't. 

Mamie. — (To Texas). —Well, won't you get 
some? 

Texas.—W here'll I get it? 

Mamie. —Say, this is a cow ranch, ain't it? 

Texas.—I t sure is. 

Mamie. —And you're a cowboy, ain't you? 

Texas.—I sure am. 

Mamie. —Well, then, go out and milk a cow. 

Good News. —Haw, haw, haw! That's rich, 
that is.— (Picking up can of Carnation Cream from 
table). —There's only one cow on this here ranch, 
lady, Her name is Carnation, and here she is. 

Mamie. — (Xing between them). —Oh, but that 
won't do at all! 

Good News.—N o, ma'am, I guess not. Reckon 
I can cook the kid some ham and eggs, though, if 
he's hungry. " 



26 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie.—O h, can you cook? 

Good News. —Can I cook? I'm the best cook 
in Cochise County. 

Mamie. —Yes. But ham and eggs, they're 
kind of heavy for a kid as young as Zander. You 
know—time of night. 

Good News. —That's right, too. How'd it be 
if I fixed him up a nice mess of fried bread and 
molasses? 

Mamie. —Oh, thank you. That would be fine. 
—{She Xes to Zander l.c.). —Do you hear that, 
honeybug? You’re going to have fried bread and 
molasses for your supper.— {Taking his hat and 
coat off.) 

Texas. —{Who has been regarding the whole 
trend of events with disapproval). —Look here, 
Good News. That there kid can't stop here for 
no supper. 

Good News. — {Stepping towards him). —Oh, is 
that so? Well, let me tell you something. If 
that kid’s hungry, he eats. Come on, kid— 
{Xing l. to Zander). 

Mamie. —Say, that's real kind of you. {To 
Zander.) Now thank the gentleman, pretty, the 
way I taught you. 

Zander. —Thank you. 

Good News. —{Starting with Zander l.c. 
Xing to R.). —That's all right, kid! You don't 
have to thank nobody for nothin'.— {Both exit R. 
Mamie follows a few steps placing Zander's hat 
and coat on table). 

Mamie. — {To Texas).—I wouldn't bother you 
like this only I guess Zander's pretty hungry. 
You see, when kids have got to eat, they've got to 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


27 


eat—I'll pay you for the fried bread though—and 
the molasses. 

Texas.— {Half ashamed). —Oh, that’s all right. 

Mamie. —And just as soon as Zander gets his 
supper we’ll go. Honest we will. 

Texas. —Reckon you’ll have to. I’m expecting 
the boss most any minute now, and he won’t like 
it one little bit if he finds strangers here. 

Mamie.—O h, ain’t you the boss? 

Texas.— Who, me? Say, I’m a hard-boiled 
egg, all right, but if I was boss, you wouldn’t 
catch me sending no kid away from this yere 
ranch hungry. No, sir! 

Mamie. —I’m glad you told me that. I was 
afraid you was kinda mean—just at first. You 
oughtn’t to be working for a boss like that, 
though. Don’t he even like kids? 

Texas. —Guess he don’t like nothin’—much. 

Mamie. — {Sitting L. 0 / r.c. table). —Well, I’ll 
bet he’d like Zander! There was an awful mean 
man in Topeka, Kansas. Ran a bakery. I work¬ 
ed for him a while on our way out. Well, that 
man just couldn’t stand Zander at first. But 
before we’d been there two days he was giving 
that kid cookies. And bye and bye he even let 
Zander pull his whiskers. It would have done 
your heart good to see the way Zander pulled 
that old man’s whiskers. He’s awful strong for 
his age, Zander is.—( After a little pause). —Have 
you ever been to Singletree? 

Texas. —Who, me? Sure—lots of times. 

Mamie. —Know many people there? 



28 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. —Know 'em all, I reckon. 

Mamie. —Then maybe you know Alexander P. 
Caldwell. His folks call him Al. 

Texas. — (Steps l.). —Al Caldwell? Nope— 
never heard of him. 

Mamie. — (With a little sigh).- —He might be 
there, though, mightn't he—living on a ranch, or 
something? 

Texas. —Sure he might. Was you looking for 
him? 

Mamie. —Yes, Zander and me—was kinda 
looking for him.— (Rising). —If you'll excuse me, 
I guess I'll go and see how Zander's getting along. 
You got to watch that kid when there's molasses 
around or he smears himself up something awful. 
— (She exits R.) 

(Texas watches her off, starts humming a song 
and Xes to table as Dan Murchison enters. He 
is a hard-faced, quiet-mannered man of about 35. 
He wears a Stetson hat, khaki breeches and field 
boots.) 

Dan. —(As he enters from door c.) —Whose 
flivver is that out there? 

Texas. — (Startled, Xing to him). —Gee, boss, 
you gave me a start.— (In a lowered voice). — 
Where's the truck? 

Dan. —Down the road a piece. 

Texas.— Oh, then she's all right. I was begin¬ 
ning to think mebbe she'd broke down, or some¬ 
thing. Get the booze? 

Dan. —Yes. And everything was all right till 
that damn flivver came up behind me just before 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


29 


I got to the foot of the grade. I wasn't taking 
any chances, so I ran the truck off the road 
behind the big rock, and then walked up to take 
a look. Who came in that flivver?—( Taking off 
hat and coat and placing same on bench L.) 

Texas. — {Stepping toward him) — A gal. 

Dan. —What's that? What did she come here 
for? 

Texas. —She claims as how she was going to 
Singletree and got on the wrong road. 

Dan. —Doesn't sound good to me. 

Texas. —Me neither. 

Dan. —Then why didn't you send her on her 
way? 

Texas.—I tried to. But that there gal don't 
send worth a cent. No, sir! She allowed she'd 
stay, and by Godfrey she stayed. 

Dan. —Well, I'll have a look at her. She 
might easily be a spy, you know. 

Texas. —Kinda thought she was myself. 

Dan. —Where is she? 

Texas. —Out in the kitchen. Say, I forgot to 
tell you—she's got a kid with her. Good News 
he allowed the kid ought to eat so he's getting 
him some supper. 

Dan. —Tell her to come here, Texas. 

Texas. —( Going to door r. and opening it ).— 
Hey! The boss wants you. 

Good News.— {Off stage). —Here Mamie! You 
watch that there skillet and don't let nothing burn 
The boss wants me. 

Texas. —Keep your shirt on, old timer. He 



30 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


don't want you, he wants the gal. 

Mamie. —( Off stage). —Who, me? All right, 
Tm coming.— (Texas lounges over to table. Ma¬ 
mie enters from R., then turning in doorway to 
Good News.) —Say, don't let him have more than 
five pieces, will you? Because if you do he's 
liable to get a stomach ache.—( Then turning to 
Dan.) —Good evening.—(A pause during which 
Dan regards her steadily. There is nothing friendly 
in his eyes, and she feels his hostility. But she 
must say something, so—advancing a step —)—I 
guess you were kinda surprised to find me and 
Zander here.— {Pause, taking another step). —I 
guess you weren't any more surprised than me 
and Zander was, though. We didn't aim to 
come here, honest we didn't. And we're leaving 
just as soon as Zander finishes his supper. So if 
you'll put up with us a few minutes more, we'll go. 
Honest we will.— {Stepping toward him again). 

Dan.—G o where? 

Mamie. —To Singletree. 

Dan. —You're going to Singletree? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. We'd have been there now, 
I guess, only we had two punctures and then we 
got lost. You see they don't mark the roads out 
here the way they do back east—they don't make 
'em at all. 

Dan.—W hat's your name? 

Mamie. —Mamie Adams. 

Dan. —Where did you come from, Miss Adams? 

Mamie. — {Pleased and flattered). —Say, you're 
the first person that ever called me Miss Adams. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


31 


Everybody else calls me Mamie. —(, Sitting L. of 
table). 

Dan. —Answer my question. Where did you 
come from? 

Mamie. —Oh, you mean where did I come 
from? Why, I came from Weeweedin, New 
Jersey. 

Dan. —Did you drive that flivver all the way 
from Weeweedin, New Jersey? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. It's going pretty good 
right now, too. Only the tires ain’t holding up 
the way I wish they was. 

Dan. —So you came from New Jersey? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan.— {Quickly and sternly).— Then what are 
you doing with those Pennsylvania numbers on 
your car?— (Texas rises and sits on upstage side 
of table.) 

Mamie. —Oh, that! Say, that’s kind of a 
story all by itself. You see when I beat it out of 
Weeweedin, I was afraid they’d catch me, so a 
friend of mine got those Pennsylvania numbers 
for me. 

Dan.—A m I to understand that you're a 
fugitive from justice? 

Mamie.—N o, sir. - 

Dan. —Do you understand what I mean when 
I say fugitive from justice? 

Mamie—N o, sir. 

Dan.—I mean did you run away from the law? 

Mamie.—O h, the law! Yes, sir, that’s what I 



32 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


ran away from. You see they was going to put 
Zander in an orphan asylum, and it wasn't right. 

Dan.—W hy wasn't it? 

Mamie. —Because he ain't an orphan.— (Rises). 
That kid's got a pa. 

Dan.—W here? 

Mamie.—I ain't sure. But I’m hoping I'll 
find him over to Singletree. Say, did you ever 
hear of a man named Alexander P. Caldwell? 

Dan.— (Who at the sound of the name shows just 
enough to make one think he has heard it before). 
—What about him? 

Mamie. —Why, he's Zander's pa! 

Dan. —What makes you think you'll find him 
at Singletree? 

Mamie. —Because he wrote to his wife he was 
going there. Wrote to her from Mexico. 

Dan. —How long ago? 

Mamie. —I don't know. The letter wasn't 
dated. 

Dan. —Was that the last time you heard irom 
him? 

Mamie. —I didn't hear from him at all. It was 
his wife that heard from him. Only she died. 

Dan.—I see. And then you ran away from 
Weeweedin, New Jersey. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan. — I suppose you've got a photograph of 
Mr. Caldwell. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


33 


Dan.—T hen you know what he looks like. 

Mamie. —No, sir. You see, poor Mrs. Cald¬ 
well only had one picture of him, and Zander let 
it fall in the washtub, and get all messed up. I 
kept it, though. I thought Zander ought to 
have some kind of picture of his Pa. ( Steps toward 
door r.) 

Dan. —So you don’t know what he looks like? 

Mamie.—N o, sir. 

Dan. —Then how do you expect to find him? 

Mamie. —Why, by his name! It ain’t a 
common name. 

Dan. —I’m afraid you don’t know much about 
the West, Miss Adams. Men change their 
names out here sometimes. 

Mamie.—W hat for? 

Dan. —Oh, they get into trouble, one way or 
another. 

Mamie. —Do you suppose that’s the reason 
Mr. Caldwell didn’t write to his wife? 

Dan.—W ould you write home if you got into 
trouble? 

Mamie.— (Sits on bench L. of table.)— You 
bet I wouldn’t—if I had a home. If Mr. Cald¬ 
well has changed his name it’s going to make it 
kind of hard for us to find him. What’s the best 
newspaper in Arizona? 

Dan.— The Tucson Star is as good as any. 

Mamie. —Then if we don’t find him in Single¬ 
tree, I guess we’ll have to go to Tucson and 
advertise for him in that newspaper. How far’s 
Tucson from here? 



34 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —About 300 miles. 

Mamie.—( With a little sigh). —It's an awful 
big country, ain’t it? I kinda hoped when we 
got to Singletree we could settle down.. That kid 
ought to go to school and get educated. Of 
course, it’s kind of an education just to travel, 
but it’s awful hard on your tires. I’ll get myself 
a job in Singletree, anyway. Is it a real town? 

Dan.—( Turning away). —Yes, it’s quite a town. 

Mamie. —Has it got a movie? 

Dan. —(To Texas). —How about that, Texas? 
Is there a movie in Singletree? 

Texas. — (Mamie turns to Texas). — Nope, 
there aint. 

Mamie. —Then it ain’t a real town. I’ll stay 
there for a while, though, and take a good look 
for Zander’s pa. 

Dan. —Whether you get a job or not? 

Mamie.—O h, I’ll get a job, all right. 

Dan.—W hat if there ain’t any job? 

Mamie. —Oh, there’s always a job if you want 
one real bad. Why, I’ve got jobs where there 
wasn’t any. Honest I have. Back in Ioway I 
stopped at a farm one day to buy some milk for 
Zander. The farmer wasn’t home, and his wife 
was pretty mean to me—said she didn’t sell milk 
to strangers. So I asked her would she sell me 
some if I washed her dishes for her—Say, the 
kitchen sink was piled up with dishes that high. 
Well, she said she would if I’d pay for all the 
dishes I broke. That’s how mean she was. But 
I saw she was hot and tired—and it certainly does 
get hot in Ioway—so I sailed right in. And after 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


35 


I got through with the dishes, I washed all the 
pots and pans, polished the stove, and scrubbed 
the floor. And when the farmer came home, 
there was his wife real nice and peaceful, with 
Zander sitting on her lap, and me getting supper. 
We stayed there a week, and when I left, she 
kissed me goodbye and gave me seven dollars. 
Of course a lot of it was Zander, though. It's 
simply scandalous the way folks fall for that kid! 
—-(Zander comes running in R. His face is 
smeared with molasses). 

Zander. —Mamie! 

Mamie. — {Rises and Xes to Zander r.c.)— 
Well, would you look at that face! Come with 
Mamie, honey, and get your face washed. 

Zander.—I don't want my face washed. 

Mamie. —Well, you're going to get it washed.— 
{Taking his hand, then dropping it because it is 
sticky). —And your hands, too.— {Then taking 
him by back of collar and urging him R.) —Say, 
what was you trying to do with that molasses, 
swim in it?— {Both exit R., closing door.) 

Texas. —Well, boss, how about it? Think 
she's on the level?— (R.c. of table). 

Dan—Y es. 

Texas. —That’s what I thought. Seems like a 
nice gal, too. Say, did you take a good look at 
the flivver of hers? 

Dan. —No, why? 

Texas. —Well, if she drove that bunch of junk 
all the way from New Jersey, she's a bird. 

Dan.— {Xes to L.C.). —It was a damned plucky 
thing to do. 



36 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. —It sure was. Some folks would call it 
plumb reckless. Say, how would it be if I was to 
go down to the truck? 

Dan.—W hat for? 

Texas. —So I’ll be all set to bring her up as 
soon as the gal leaves. 

Dan. —There's no hurry. She'll be going in a 
minute, and then I'll go down with you. 

Texas. —Well, I sure will rest easier when that 
booze has been put to bed .—{After a little pause). 
—Say, there’s one thing about this bootlegging 
business I don't get. I can understand a guy 
wanting to drink real bad—I can understand his 
going a long way to get it. But what gets me is, 
how these birds around here can keep on buying 
from us at a hundred bucks a case. Where do 
they get the dough? It sure is a lovely business, 
though. If I ever meet that guy Volstead I 
certainly will feel like kissing him.— (Dan has 
dropped down L.c.) 

(Mamie and Zander enter r. Zander's face is 
clean.) 

Mamie. —Well, Zander certainly had a fine 
supper. I had a little too,. I didn't eat a 
much as Zander, though, so I guess about 25 
cents for Zander and about 10 cents for me would 
be about right .—{She draws a shabby little purse 
from her pocket and counts out 35 cents.) 

Texas.— Say, we don't charge nothin' for 
supper on this ranch .—{To Dan). —Do we, boss? 

Dan.—O f course not. 

Mamie. —{Laying money on table). —Oh, but 

Zander and me always pays for what we eat. 

* 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


37 


We're just as much obliged though as if it didn't 
cost anything.— (To Zander). —Now thank the 
gentleman for your supper, honey. 

Zander. —Wabbits! Wabbits! 

Mamie. —My soul and body! I nearly forgot 
those poor dumb animals. Say, I got to feed 
those rabbits. 

Dan.—R abbits? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. You see Zander won't go 
any place without his rabbits. 

Dan. —Oh! Well, Good News will attend to 
that.— (Calling). —Good News! 

Good News. — (Off r.) —I'm on my way.— (He 
comes in wiping his hands on a piece of flour¬ 
sacking). —Want me, boss? 

Dan. —Yes. Go out and feed the rabbits. 

Good News. —Rabbits? What rabbits? 

Mamie. —Zander will show you. You'll find 
some carrots on the back seat. 

Zander. —(Pointing to lighted lantern on table 
R.C.).— Light! 

Good News. — (Leading Zander he starts up 
and exits C. to L.).— That's right, too. Say, that 
kid's got more sense than a barrel full of monkeys! 
Hey, Texas! Bring that there lantern, will you? 
I got my hands full. 

Texas. —(Taking lantern and following them out 
rear). —Keep agoing, old timer. I sure want to 
see them rabbits, too. 

Dan. —Sit down, Miss Adams. 



38 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —Thanks. I don't care if I do.— 
(After sitting down L. of table). —I'm real 
pleased that Zander thought of those rabbits. It 
shows he's learning to think of others. That's 
why it's good for him to have pets like that. 
Only they're a lot of bother sometimes. Say, 
did you ever travel much with a couple of rabbits? 
Well, it ain’t any picnic. Seems like we've been 
giving little rabbits away ever since we started.— 
(Rising). —I know it ain't very polite to eat and 
run, but I guess we ought to be starting.— (Pick¬ 
ing up Zander’s hat. Goes to Dan l.c.).— I'm 
awful much obliged for your being so nice to me 
and Zander.— (Offering her hand). —Good-bye. 

Dan.— (Ignoring her hand.) —Just a moment. 
How much money have you got? 

Mamie. —Well, not counting that 35 cents I 
gave you, I got 9 dollars and 15 cents. 

Dan. —And you and the kid have to eat, and 
there's gas and oil for the flivver. And I believe 
you said something about tires. 

Mamie—Y es, sir. 

Dan. —How many new tires do you need? 

Mamie.—F our. 

Dan.— (Drawing a roll of bills from his pocket.) 
—Well, here's fifty dollars for you. I like your 
pluck. 

Mamie.—O h, I couldn't take it! 

Dan. —Why couldn't you? 

Mamie.— Because I just couldn't. Anyway, I 
don't need it. Zander and me are getting along 
fine. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


39 


Dan. —But supposing you don’t find the kid’s 
father. 

Mamie. —Oh, I guess I’ll find him all right—if 
he’s alive. 

Dan.—T hen it’s occurred to you he might not 
be alive? 

Mamie. —Oh, yes, sir! I’ve thought about 
that a lot. Only it wouldn’t be fair to Zander 
not to keep on looking till we’d settled it—one 
way or another. I got a feeling we’ll find him, 
though.— (Good News, Zander and Texas 
enter rear. Texas puts lantern on table. To 
Zander.) —We’re going now, honey. Say good¬ 
bye to the gentlemen. 

Zander. —( Going over to Dan l.c. and bobbing 
his head.) —Good-bye.)— Then to Texas r.c.)— 
Good-bye. 

Texas.—G ood-bye, old timer. 

Zander. —(To Good News l.c. He holds up 
his face to be kissed and also puts his arms up). 

Mamie. —Well, what do you know about that? 
That kid wants to kiss you goodbye. 

Good News. —He does? Why, the little son- 
of-a-gun!— (He picks him up awkwardly and kisses 
him.) 

Mamie. —Kids can always tell if you really 
like ’em .—(To Zander, as Good News puts him 
down). —Now come here like a good boy and get 
your hat on.— (Her back to the audience, she is 
putting hat on Zander when Juan, a sinister look¬ 
ing Mexican, slips through door rear, from R. She 
is the only one who sees him. Alarmed, and calling 
to Dan.)— Hey, mister, look behind you! 



40 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. — (Turning). —Oh, it’s you.— (In Span¬ 
ish). —Que quiere usted? 

Juan.— (In doorway). —Viene gente. 

Dan.—Q uien? 

Juan. —Dos antipaticos. 

Dan.—(Dan's face suggests danger. A pause — 
then he crosses to door L. and opens it. Then, to 
Mamie.)—Y ou and the kid get in there. 

Mamie. —Say! What's the matter? 

Dan.—D o as I tell you. 

Mamie.— (Taking Zander by the hand, Xes 
toward Dan c. as he comes toward them.)—E\it we 
can't! Me and Zander—we're leaving now. 

Dan.—W ill you do as I tell you? 

Mamie—N o, I won't. 

Dan. —Do you want that kid to see a fight, 
maybe murder? 

Mamie. — Oh, no! No! 

Dan. —Then get in there—quick!— (Zander, 
who is frightened, begins to whimper). 

Zander. —Mamie! 

Mamie. — Don't cry, honey. Mamie won't let 
anybody hurt you .—(They hurry out L. Dan 
closes door after them). 

Dan.— (Xes to door c. Calling Juan to door). 
—Now, Juan, quick—who is it? 

Juan.— Senor Sawday and Bill Price. 

Dan. —How do you know? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


41 


Juan. —Tony—he ride like hell. 

Dan. —How are they coming—automobile? 

Juan. —No. By the back trail. 

Trxas.— {Xes up R.C.). —Say, that's nice! 
The sherriff and one of his deputies coming to see 
us. 

Good News.— I knowed something like this 
was going to happen. 

Texas. —Reckon we're all right at that. That 
last lot we shipped cleaned us plumb out. There 
ain't a drop of booze on the ranch—not a drop. 
—{Comes down R.c.). 

Good News.—(X es to him r.c.)— Oh, ain't 
there! How about that there truck? 

Texas. —Say, that's right, too. If they're 
riding over by the back trail, though, they ain't 
liable to find the truck—not if they're not looking 
for it. 

Dan.— {Who has been thinking. Comes down 
C.)—I'm guessing they are looking for it. Why 
else would the Sheriff and Bill Price come hot¬ 
footing it over here this time of night?— {Steps L.) 
—There's only one explanation, boys—some swine 
must have tipped the sheriff off. He knows 
about the truck. 

Texas. —Say, that's a hot one! If those birds 
know the truck is here, what's to prevent 'em 
finding it? 

Dan. —That's what we've got to figure out.— 
{To Juan up to door). —Juan! 

Juan.—S enor? 

Dan.—G o down the road till you come to the 



42 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


big rock and cover up the tracks where the truck 
turned off. Andele!—(Turning to Good News, 
as Juan steals out rear and off L.) —Good News, 
you ease over to the trail and keep watch. Let 
me know the minute you hear ’em coming. 

Good News. — (As he turns and exits near and 
off R.) —I knew doggoned well something like this 
was going to happen. 

Dan. —( Down l.c. To Texas.)—A nd you, 
Texas— 

Texas.—Y es, sir. 

Dan. —{Half to himself.) —Now, where did I put 
those beans? 

Texas. —Beans? 

Dan. —(Xing to shelf R. and finding glass jar of 
red Mexican beans ).—Oh, here they are! —(He 
brings jar and sets it on table. Then, indicating 
lantern which Texas has brought in after feeding 
rabbits .)—Take that lantern in to Mamie. Tell 
her not to be frightened. Tell her I’ll let her 
know just as soon as everything’s all right. 

Texas. —( Starts off l. with lantern .)—Yes, sir. 

Dan.—A nd tell ’em to take their hats off. 

Texas— What for? 

Dan. —Never mind. You tell ’em—and tell 
’em to keep ’em off. 

Texas.—Y es, sir. 

(He goes out L. Dan takes catchup, condensed 
milk, etc., from table to shelves R., then pours out 
3 uneven piles of beans, one at R., one at rear 
centre, one at L., He then places jar on floor under 
table, sits down on bench L. Texas enters from L. 
and Xes to him.) 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


43 


Texas. —What’s the idea, boss? 

Dan. —(. Indicating bench R.) —Sit down.— {He 
picks up deck of cards Texas has used earlier in 
the act and deals out 3 poker hands. Then , to 
Texas.) —Now about this jam we’re in. There’s 
one thing in our favor. The sheriff may think 
I ran a load of booze out of San Julian tonight, 
but he don’t know I did. 

Texas. — {Seated r. of table.) —Why don’t he 
know it? 

Dan. —Because nobody saw me leave San 
Julian. 

Texas. —Say, are you sure about that? 

Dan.—P ositive! 

Texas. —Then if they don’t find the truck, they 
ain’t got a thing on us. 

Dan. —Not a thing. 

Texas. —Yes, but how are you going to—? 
—{He does not finish the sentence for Good News 
hurries in rear). 

Good News.—T hey’re coming, boss. 

Dan. — {Indicating bench upstage of table.) —All 
right. Sit down.— {As Good News sits , he deals 
cards.) —We’re playing freeze-out, sabe? All 
jackpots and deuces wild. And we’re not expect¬ 
ing anybody. Understand?— {They all ante ).— 
Can you open it, Texas? 

Texas. — (r. of table). — Nope. 

Dan. —(L. of table). —Good News? 

Good News. —{Upstage of table). — Nope. 



44 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —( Shoving 5 beans into center of table ).— 
Well, I'll open it for five. 

Texas. — Raise you five. 

Good News.—I drop. 

Dan. — (Putting in 5 more beans). —See you. 
How many? 

Texas. — (Discarding one card). —Me, I'm draw¬ 
ing to an inside straight. Give me one paper. 

Dan. — (Dealing one to Texas and discarding 
and drawing three.)—Three for me.— (After looking 
at his draw.) —Bet you five. 

Texas.—R aise you ten. 

Dan. —Call you.— (Showing his hand.) — A pair 
of kings. 

Texas. —(. Laying down his hand.) —I got a 
straight—8, 9, 10, jack, queen. 

Good News. —Well, I'll be doggoned if he did¬ 
n't go and draw a deuce! 

Texas. —I done tamed them wild deuces long 
ago, old timer. When I want 'em, they come 
arunning.— (Bursting into song as he puts five 
beans in center, shuffles and deals .)— 

Oh, I met a gal in Long Beach, Cal., 

If she'd said yes she'd have been my gal, 

But she said no, so now I'm free 

To buzz around my honey like a bumble— 

— (To Good News.) —Can you open her? 

Good News.—N ope. 

Dan.—N o. 

Texas. —Me neither. Everybody sweeten her 
one.— (Texas picks up cards.) 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


45 


(As he says this, Jim Sawday, the Sheriff, a 
rather stout, red-faced man, wearing a slouch hat 
appears in the doorway c. from R. Texas spies 
him almost at once.) 

Well, look who's here! If it ain't my old friend 
the sheriff. Hullo, Jim! 

Sheriff. —Hullo! 

Dan. —What you doing over our way? Look¬ 
ing for trouble? 

Sheriff.—Y ep! 

Dan.— (Pointing to down stage bench). —All 
right. Sit here. Plenty of room. Deal him a 
hand, Texas.— (Texas starts dealing but stops as 
sheriff speaks.) 

Sheriff. — (Coming down c.) —I didn't come 
over here to play poker, and you know it. 

Dan.—T hen what did you come for? 

Sheriff. — I came over after that truck you 
drove out of San Julian this evening. 

Dan. —Oh, is that all?— (Turning.) —Then we 
might as well go on with our game.— (To Texas 
who has picked up cards and starts to deal again.) 
It's still your deal, Texas. 

Texas. —Yep. Everybody sweeten her one. 

Sheriff.— I said I came over after that truck 
you drove out of San Julian this evening. 

Dan. —I heard you the first time.— (To Texas.) 
You heard him, too, didn't you, Texas? 

Texas.—I sure did. 

Dan. — (To Good News.) —And you, Good 
News? 



46 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Good News—Y ep. 

Dan.—T hen go on with the game. 

Sheriff. —It won't do, Dan. I got you this 
time, and I got you cold. 

Dan.—G ot the truck, too, I suppose. 

Sheriff. —Bill's out attending to that. 

Dan. —Who? Bill Price? Then I guess we're 
ruined, boys. Bill found a stray calf he was 
looking for once, and Jim, here, made him a 
deputy sheriff right away.— (As Bill Price 
enters—a dull-looking, thick-set man with a mous¬ 
tache c. door from R.) —Hullo, Bill! I hear you're 
looking for a truck I drove out of San Julian to¬ 
night. Did you find it? 

Bill. —( Stepping towards him.)- —None of your 
business. 

Dan. —Guess he must have found it, boys. 
Otherwise he wouldn't be so blamed cheerful. 
Can you open it, Good News?— (Bill Xes down 
L.) 

Good News.—N o. 

Dan.—N o. 

Sheriff.—(Texas picks up cards). —That bluff 
won't go, Dan. We've been watching you for a 
long time. Now we got you. That truck's 
around here somewhere, and we're going to find it. 

Dan. — (Rising.) —Is that so? Well, let me tell 
you something, Jim Sawday. You can't pull that 
stuff about having the goods on me. I won't 
stand for it. 

Sheriff. —No? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


47 


Dan.—( Comes to sheriff r.c.) —No! And I'll 
tell you why. I didn’t drive any truck out of 
San Julian. 

Sheriff. —You weren’t even in San Julian 
today, I suppose. 

Dan. —Certainly I was in San Julian. I rode 
over there early this morning. 

Sheriff. —Oh,.rode your pony over, did you? 

Dan.—I did. 

Sheriff.—R ode him back again, too, I expect. 

Dan.—I did not. 

Sheriff. —You’re darn right you didn’t. That 
pony is still over to San Julian. 

Dan. —Yes, at Brick Thompson’s livery stable. 
What about it? 

Sheriff. —Seems kinda funny you should have 
rode over and left your pony there. And this 
yere ranch of yours—seems kinda funny you 
should be running a cow ranch without any cows. 

Dan. —We’re running thirty head, and I expect 
2 carloads from El Paso next week. 

Sheriff.. —And you didn’t drive no truck out 
of San Julian this evening? 

Dan.—N o! 

Sheriff. —Then how did you get here? 

Dan.—I n a flivver.— (As Good News and 
Texas exchange glances.) 

Sheriff. —Hired one in San Julian, I suppose. 

Dan.—T hat’s my business. 




48 ZANDER THE GREAT 


Sheriff. —So that's your story, is it? 

Dan. —Yes, that's my story, and I aim to 
stick to it. 

Bill. —There’s a flivver outside, Jim. Did you 
see it? 

Jim. —Yes, I saw it. 

Texas. —Say! Ain't it wonderful? These yere 
deputy sheriffs they see everything. 

Sheriff. —Whose flivver is that? 

Dan. —It belongs to me. 

Sheriff. —Had it long? 

Dan.— (Steps r. and turns to Sheriff.) —No, but 
—(Changing his attitude and becoming conciliatory) 
—Look here, boys, I appreciate you've got to do 
your duty. But when you came bouncing in 
like that a minute ago it made me sore. It's all 
right now, though. You can't make me mad 
tonight—not for long. I'll tell you why I went 
over to San Julian today—I went over to meet 
my kid. 

Bill. —What's that? 

Sheriff.—Y our kid? 

Dan. —Yes, my kid—the finest boy in the state 
of Arizona! Is that right, Good News? 

Good News.—I t sure is. 

Bill. — Say, I didn't know you had a kid! 

Dan. —There's lots of things you don't know, 
Bill. 

Sheriff. —This kid, now— I reckon you can 
produce him? 

Dan.—R eckon I can. 


v..si. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 49 


Sheriff— Where is he? 

Dan. —( Indicating door L.). —In there. 

f Sheriff. — (Starting towards door L.)— Well, 
m just have a look at him. 

Dan. —( Blocking his way). —You will not! Do 
you suppose I want that kid frightened out of a 
year's growth? 

Sheriff. —Maybe there ain't any kid. 

Dan. —( Xes to door L.)—No? Well, if you'll 
hold your horses a minute I'll show him to you. 
—(Opening the door a little way and calling in to 
Mamie. )—It's all right, Mamie. I hate to bother 
you but I got a couple of friends out here that 
don't believe I got a kid in there. Bring him out 
for a minute ,will you? 

Sheriff. —(In a low voice—to Texas.) — Who's 
Mamie? 

Texas. —Oh, she takes care of the kid.—(A 
pause. Then Mamie enters with Zander. Neither 
of them wear hats. They stand at L. door.) 

Dan. —Sorry to bother you, Mamie, but we've 
been boasting so much about the kid that these 
two friends of mine wanted to see him.— (To Jim 
and Bill. Takes Zander and lifts him up on his 
shoulder). —Well, boys, what do you think of him? 

^Sheriff. —Nice kid, all right. 

Bill. —(Up c.)—Certainly is. 

Dan. — (Indicating Mamie). —And don't you 
think she was a brave girl to drive that flivver all 
the way from—er —Pennsylvania? 

Sheriff. — (To Mamie.) —Say, did you drive 
that flivver all the way from Pennsylvania? 



50 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan. —That’s all, Mamie. 

Mamie.— (Starts for c. door.) —Oh, can we go 
now? 

Dan. —( Taking her by arm and urging her gently 
towards door L. with Zander.) —Yes, you go right 
back in there. These gentlemen won’t be staying 
long, and then if there’s anything you want we’ll 
get it for you.— {Shutting door after her , then 
turning—to Jim and Bill.) —Well, how about it, 
boys? You’ve seen the truck I drove out of San 
Julian tonight—that flivver out there. And 
you’ve seen the cargo I brought—Mamie and the 
kid. Is there anything else I can do for you? 

Sheriff. —Not a darned thing, Dan. I don’t 
say we won’t still keep an eye on you, because we 
will. But I guess I can give you a clean bill of 
health for tonight, all right. How about it, Bill? 

Bill.— Sure! 

Sheriff.— Then I reckon we’d better be 
moseying along. Good night, boys.— {Both exit 
C. to R.) 

All. —Good night.—(D an goes to doorway and 
watches them. A pause, then —) 

Texas.— {Singing .)— 

My mother makes two kinds of whiskey, 

My sister makes beautiful gin, 

My father sells it to the neighbors— 

My God how the money rolls in! 

— {Turning, as Dan comes down R.c. to table .)— 
Well, boss, I gotta hand it to you. You certainly 
ran a whizzer on them two birds. You certainly 
did. We’re not out of the woods yet, though. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


51 


Good News.—W hy ain't we? 

Texas. —We got to get rid of that there licker 
haven't we? And when those two birds find out 
Mamie and the kid left right after they did, 
they'll watch us closer than ever, won't they? 

Good News. —By golly, that's right, too! Say, 
how would it be if we asked Mamie and the kid 
to stay here for a while? 

Texas. —(To Dan.) —Yes, boss. They ought¬ 
n't to go to Singletree tonight. 

Dan. —They're not going to Singletree tonight. 

Good News. —Oh, did you fix it with Mamie? 

Dan. —( Steps C. and back R.c.) —No. We'll 
settle about her staying here tonight, first, and 
then I'll figure out some way to keep her and the 
kid here till we get rid of the booze.— {To Texas.) 
—Texas, tell her to come out. 

Texas.— {Xing to door l. and opening it.) —All 
right, Mamie. Them fellers have gone. You 
can come out now. 

{A pause. Then Mamie and Zander come out. 
Mamie carrying their hats from L. Texas closes 
door and drops down L.) 

Mamie.— (To Dan.)— Say, can we put our 
hats on now? 

Dan. —Yes, if you want to. 

Mamie.— {Putting on her hat , then putting on 
Zander's hat and coat.) —I was kinda scared there 
for awhile. I thought you said there was going 
to be a scrap. 



52 ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —That was a false alarm. That foo^ 
Mexican passed a couple of men on the trail and 
thought they were cattle thieves aiming to run 
off with some of our cattle. 

Mamie. — What did you make us take our hats 
off for? 

Dan. —Well, you see Mamie— 

Mamie. —( Reassured .)—You kinda got around 
to it yourself, didn't you? 

Dan. —Around to what? 

Mamie. —Calling me Mamie. I knew you 
would. Everybody does. Well, I certainly am 
pleased to have met you—( Including them all.) — 
It's bad luck to say good-bye twice, but I guess 
I'll risk it. Good-bye, folks.— (To Zander.) — 
Come on, honey. 

Dan. — (Stopping her.) —One moment—er— 
Mamie. I’ve been talking to the boys about you 
and the kid. It’s a long way to Singletree, it’s 
dark, the road’s bad, and it’s late. So we think 
the best thing you can do is to stay here all 
night. 

Mamie.—O h, no! We couldn’t do that. 

Texas. — (Down l.) —Sure you could. 

Good News.— (Who has dropped down r. and 
sits on bench R.) —You’ve got to stay, Mamie. 

Dan. —You and the kid can have my room. 
You’ll be perfectly safe. 

Mamie. —Yes, I know. But we couldn’t. 
Thank you just the same. You see Zander and 
me never stay all night in anybody’s house— 
unless there’s ladies there. ; 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


53 


Dan.—I see. But this is different. 

Texas. —Yes, this is different, Mamie. 

Mamie.—(Dan steps to door.) —But we don’t 
want to stay. Me and Zander want to go to 
Singletree—we’ve got to go.—( Takes a step.) 

Dan.—( Stops her.) —You can’t go. 

Mamie. —Why can’t we? 

Dan.—( Step.s down c.)—Because I’m not going 
to let you. 

Mamie. —But you haven’t any right to keep us 
from going.— (Appealing to Texas.) —You would¬ 
n’t let him stop us, would you?— (Then appealing 
to Good News, turns to him r.) —You wouldn’t, 
would you? Why, don’t you remember? Zander 
kissed you good-bye. You’ll make him let us go, 
won’t you? 

Dan.— (Steps toward her.) —You mustn’t be 
frightened, Mamie. 

Mamie. —I ain’t frightened—much. Only I 
thought you was a good man—the kind of man 
Zander’s Pa ought to be. But you ain’t. 

Dan.—I’ m sorry, Mamie. I imagined I had 
a pleasant surprise for you. But it didn’t 
work out the way I thought it would. Can’t 
you guess why I won’t let you and the kid go 
to Singletree to-night.— (Steps to her.) 

Mamie. —No, sir. 

Dan.—Y ou’re looking for Alexander P. Cald¬ 
well, aren’t you? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 




54 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —Well, you don't have to look any 
further.—( Touching his breast.) —Here he is. 
I'm Alexander P. Caldwell.— (Good News rises.) 

Mamie. —You ain't. Your name's Dan Mur¬ 
chison. Good News told me. Why do you say 
such things? It ain't fair! 

Dan.—M y real name is Caldwell. I changed 
it because— We won't go into that. But that's 
the reason I didn't write to—Edith. 

Mamie.—E dith? 

Dan. —My wife. 

Mamie.— {Half to herself.) —That's right. Mrs. 
Caldwell's name was Edith. 

Dan. —When you're in trouble, Mamie, you 
don't like to write home. 

Mamie. —Did you write to her at all? 

Dan. —Yes, from Mexico. 

Mamie —That's right. The last letter she got 
had a Mexican stamp on it. I—I don't suppose 
you could tell me where you got married? 

Dan. —What's the use? You don't believe me. 
—(Zander goes to chair l.c.) 

Mamie. —How can I if you can't even tell me 
where it was you got married? 

Dan. —But I can tell you. We were married— 
in Akron, Ohio. 

Mamie.— My soul and body! And I thought; 
wed got lost tonight, and instead of that it was 
the hand of God leading us right to your door.— I- 
(To Zander, who is at chair L.)—Alexander P. j; 





ZANDER THE GREAT 


55 


Caldwell, Jr., come here this minute and kiss 
your Pa!— (Zander goes slowly to Dan.) 


CURTAIN 




56 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


ACT II. 


Scene: Same as Act. I. 

Time: 9 o clock next morning. 

Discovered: Good News seated l. of table peeling 
potatoes. A pause—then Dan enters rear C. 
from L. 


Good News. —Texas back yet? 

Dan.—( Coming L.c.) —No. Where’s Mamie? 

Good News. —Scrubbing the kitchen floor. 
Say, I wish you’d speak to that gal. She’s going 
to scrub this room, too. She’s going to scrub 
everything if you don’t stop her. 

Dan.—W hy stop her? 

Good News. —Hell’s bells! We don’t want 
things too clean around here—it ain’t homelike. 

Dan.—D id you ever try living in a clean room? 

Good News.—L isten! I lived in a room once 
that was so doggoned clean it hurt your eyes to 
look at it. 

Dan. —Where was this? 

Good News. —In a hospital.— (Rises.) 

Dan. —Well, don’t let me catch you interfering 
with Mamie, or you’ll find yourself in another, 
clean room, in another hospital.—( Xes up stage.) \ 




ZANDER THE GREAT 


57 


Good News. —You make me tired! What do 
you suppose I’m doing in here, anyway? Didn't 
I get out of my own kitchen? Ain't I helping 
Mamie all I can? The trouble with this ranch is 
nobody does a lick of work except me. Where's 
that good-for-nothing Juan, I'd like to know? He 
ain't ever showed up this morning.—( Starts up c.) 

Dan.—I sent Juan on an errand—to see if he 
could get a fresh cow. 

Good News. —What's the matter with the cow 
he's got already? Gone dry? 

Dan. —No. I'm getting one for the kid. 

Good News. —( Steps toward him.) —For the 
love of Mike, what does he want another one for? 
He can bring us over the milk from his cow. 

Dan. —( Steps l.) —Juan needs all that milk for 
his own kids. 

Good News. — (As Dan starts r. to go into kit¬ 
chen and sees Mamie.) —Wait a minute! Who's 
going to milk that there cow? 

Dan. —You are. s 

Good News.—N o, by golly! 

Dan. — (Who is up l. In his most deadly tone.) 
—No? 

Good News. —Oh, all right—I'll milk her.— 
(He Xes to table and resumes peeling potatoes. 

(Mamie enters r. followed by Zander. Her 
sleeves are rolled up. To Good News —half 
apologetically, as she did not expect to find Dan, 
and fears she may be intruding.) 



58 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie.— {Comes to r.c. Zander sits on bench 
down stage.) —Oh, I was just going to ask where 
you kept your soap. I’m going to wash out some 
clothes now.— {To Dan.) —Got any clothes you 
want washed out, Mr. Caldwell? 

Dan. —You’d better call me Murchison around 
here. 

Mamie. —Say, I forgot. I won’t forget again, 
though.— {To Dan.) —Have you got any clothes 
you want washed out, Mr. Murchison? 

Dan. —No, thanks. I’d like to get the rest of 
my things out of your room, though, if you don’t 
mind. 

Mamie. —Not at all. 

Dan.—T hank you.— {He goes out L.) 

Mamie. — {To Zander). —Did you hear what 
your Pa said, honey, when I asked him did he 
want his clothes washed out? He said “No 
thanks”. Now remember that. When people 
ask you if you want anything you say “No 
thanks” unless you mean yes, and then you just 
say “thanks”.— {To Good News. Steps to r.c.) 
—It’s going to be a good influence for that kid, 
his Pa being a perfect gentleman the way he is.— 
{After a little pause.) —He’s real handsome, too.— 
{Xes to c.) 

Good News.— Who, him? You’d ought to 
have seen me when I was his age. I got a heart 
in me, too—not a chunk of ice. Do you know 
what I done this morning? I sent Juan out to 
get us a cow so the kid can have fresh milk on his 
mush. 

Mamie.—T hat was real thoughtful of you. I 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


59 


guess I know now why they call you Good News 
—because you’re always doing good to others. 

Good News.—(r.c.)— Sure! I do a lot of good. 
I don’t advertise it, I just do it. The boss says 
to me: “If you get a cow, who’s going to milk 
her? Texas won’t, and Juan, he’s too busy” 
“Oh, I’ll milk her,” I says. 

Mamie. —(To Zander.) —Do you hear that, 
honey? You’re going to have some real milk for 
your dinner. Ain’t that fine?—(To Good 'News 
taking a letter from her blouse). —Say, where can I 
post this letter? 

Good News. —You can’t post it. You gotta 
wait till somebody goes to town. Who you been 
writing to, Mamie? 

Mamie. —Oh, to a friend of mine back east.— 
(Goes to door R.) —Where did you say the soap 
was? 

Good News. — (Steps toward Mamie). —On the 
shelf behind the baking powder. Say, look at the 
fire, will you? I got to keep that coffee hot for 
Texas. 

Mamie.—O h, did Texas go away on the truck? 

Good News. — (Sharply.) —What truck? 

% 

Mamie. —The truck that was here last night. 

Good News.— (Starts L.)—You must be dream¬ 
ing. There wasn’t no truck here last night. 

Mamie. —Yes, there was. 

Good News.— (Now in an ugly mood. Xes to her 
at R. door.) —Oh! So you’re spying on us, are 
you? 



60 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie.—(r. at door.) —Listen! I don't spy on 
anybody. And you needn't tell me there wasn't 
any truck here last night, because I saw it. The 
moon was up and I saw it real plain. 

Good News. —( After a little thought.) —Never 
mind about the coffee. I gotta see the boss.— 
(He goes out L.) 

Zander. — (Who has been listening, not under¬ 
standing, but not liking it.) —Mamie! 

Mamie.—W hat is it, darling? 

Zander. — (Half whimpering on bench in front 
of table.)— I want to go home. 

Mamie. —You are home, honey. It ain't just 
like what I thought it would be, but we got to 
make the best of it.— (Half to herself.) —There's 
something wrong going on on this ranch—some¬ 
thing awful wrong.— (To Zander.) —But don't 
you worry. Mamie will fix it.— (Picking up one 
of the potatoes and the knife Good News has left.) 
—Want to see something funny?— (As Zander 
nods.) —Then watch real close while Mamie 
makes a man out of this potato.— (Cutting face.) 
—Here are his eyes—see? And here's his nose, 
and here's his mouth.— (Handing it to Zander). — 
Ain’t that fine? 

Zander. —(Studying potato thoughtfully, then 
handing it back.) —Man got a little boy? 

Mamie. —Sure the man's got a little boy.— 
(Selecting small potato.) —Here's his little boy 
right here.— (Cutting eyes, etc.) —He came all the 
way to Arizona to see his Pa.— (Thinking of Dan.) 
—He don't seem much like your Pa now, but he's 
going to. And you're going to be real proud of 
him. — (Giving Zander potato.) —There, now! 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


61 


Ain’t you glad you’re out in Arizona with Mamie 
instead of in that old orphan asylum? Whenever 
you’re homesick, you think of that, and you 
won’t be homesick any more. Come on, now, 
and help Mamie with her washing.— (Mamie and 
Zander rise.) 

(As they start r. Dan and Good News enter l. 
Good News is carrying clothes and various things 
that belong to Dan.) 

Dan. — (To Good News l.c.) —Take those 
things over to the bunk-house. And take the 
kid with you. 

G.ood News.— (To Zander. Xes to r.c.)— 
Come on, kid. 

Zander.—(r.c.) —Don’t want to. 

Mamie.—(Good News sits on bench l. of table.) 
—Go on, honey. You Pa says for you to go, 
and you got to mind him the same as me. 

Zander.—W on’t! 

Dan. —Yes you will, young man. 

Zander. —Won’t either.— (He turns and runs 
r. into kitchen.) 

Dan. —You don’t seem to have very much 
control over him, Miss Adams. 

Mamie— (Yes to c.)—I have, too. He does 
everything I tell him to—generally. And when 
he don’t he’s got a good reason. Good News 
spoke cross to me just now and Zander didn t 
like it. That’s why he wouldn’t go. 

Dan. —When I give anyone orders on this 
ranch I expect them to be obeyed, no matter who 
it is. 



62 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie.—Y es, sir. I'll speak to him about it. 
—(She starts R.) 

Dan.— Not now. I want to talk to you. 

Mamie.— But you can't let a kid sass you and 
then expect him to mind you next time.— (Calling 
through door R.) —Come here, honey.— (As nothing 
happens.) — Alexander P. Caldwell, Jr., come here 
this minute! Quick, now! Mamie means it.— 
(As Zander enters quickly and stands in doorway.) 
—Now go with Good News like your Pa told you. 
—(To Dan. Zander starts to X slowly.) — Say, 
are there any snakes around here?— (Xes back to 

C.) 

Zander.— Snakes!— (Running to Good News.) 

Dan.— Yes, a few.— (Zander looks interested.) 

Mamie.— (To Zander.) —Do you hear that? 
Now don't you go and pick up any snakes be¬ 
cause if you do Mamie will smack you good.— 
(Giving him a little spank.) —Run along now. 

Good News.— Come on, kid. Everybody's 
got to work on this ranch.— (They go out rear 
together.) 

Mamie.— (Sits l. of table. To Dan when 
they're gone.) —Do you know why I said that about 
snakes? That kid's just crazy about animals, 
and I knew he’d want to go with Good News if 
he thought maybe he'd see a snake, or something. 
Once in a while you got to kinda trick him into 
doing things. But he always does 'em in the end. 
I thought you ought to know about this because 
he's awful stubborn sometimes.— (With a little 
knowing glance.) — I guess I know where he got it 
from, too.— (Hastily.) —Of course, you don't call 
it stubborn when you're grown up; you call it 
character.— (After a little pause.) — I don't see why 
you should be sore at me, though. 




ZANDER THE GREAT 


63 


Dan.— (l.c.) —Who said I was sore at you? 

Mamie. —When I first met you you called me 
Miss Adams. It made a hit with me, too. Then 
you called me Mamie—just like everybody else. 
Now you’re calling me Miss Adams again. I 
guess you’re sore at me all right. 

Dan.—N o, I’m not, Mamie. 

Mamie. —Well, Good News is.— (Eyeing him 
keenly.) —What difference does it make if I did 
see that truck last night? It ain’t the first truck 
I ever saw. 

Dan. —( Steps up l.c.) —It doesn’t make the 
slightest difference. But knowing you and the 
kid were tired out, I told Good News if he let that 
truck wake you up I’d break his neck for him.— 
(Xes down.) 

Mamie. —I’ll bet you’d do it, too.— (Rises. 
After a little pause , steps to him.) —I can see now 
you ain’t the kind to make a fuss over anybody. 
But you do like Zander, don’t you? I don’t mean 
just because he’s your kid. I mean would you 
like him if he wasn’t any relation at all? 

Dan.—Y es, I’m strong for Zander. 

Mamie. —I felt sure you was, but I wanted to 
hear you say it. I never had any relations myself. 
I used to think I’d like to have a lot— (Steps c.)— 
till I heard the people that had ’em. Have you 
any relations besides Zander? 

Dan. —Nary one. 

Mamie. —We’re kinda alone in the world, 
ain’t we—you and me and Zander? You and me 
is all Zander’s got, and Zander’s all we got. So 
I guess if there’s anything wrong it’s up to us to 
make it right—on Zander’s account.— (Turns to 



64 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —(, Stepping ; to her). —Why, is there any¬ 
thing wrong, Mamie? 

Mamie.—Y es, sir. 

Dan.—W hat? 

Mamie. —Something’s the matter with this 
ranch. 

Dan. —Oh, I see—you don’t like it here. Well 
I don’t know as I blame you.—( Indicating room.) 
—This isn’t a very nice place for you and the kid. 

Mamie. —( Goes up to door l.c.) —Oh, it ain’t 
that! I can fix up the house real nice for you. 
I’m going to do it, too.—( Looking out through door 
rear at the expansh of arid plain leaning against 
door.) —Of course it would be kinda pleasant if 
there was more trees around—there ain’t any. 
There’s lots of trees back in Weeweedin—and 
grass, too. But it ain’t that.— {Comes down c.) 

Dan.—T hen what is it? 

Mamie. —{Looking him squarely in the eye .)— 
There’s something going on on this ranch. 

Dan. —There is? 

Mamie.—Y es. And I’m afraid it’s pretty 
serious. 

Dan. —Just what do you mean by serious? 

Mamie. — {Steps to him.) —Something that 
would be a bad influence for Zander. 

Dai$. —Well, what is it? 

Mamie. —I hate to say it, but I’m afraid there’s 
bootlegging going on here. 

Dan. — {Startled, steps back.) —Oh, then you 
think I’m a bootlegger! 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


65 


Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan.— (Coldly). —May I ask how you arrived 
at that conclusion? 

Mamie. —Well, that truck did wake me up last 
night. 

Dan.—Y es? 

Mamie. —Yes. I wasn’t trying to spy on you 
—honest I wasn’t—only I couldn’t go to sleep 
again. So I got up and went outside. And I 
heard voices, and kinda wondered who it was— 
and there was you and Good News and Texas 
down there hiding those boxes. 

Dan.—W ell? 

Mamie. — (Stepping l.)— Of course, I couldn’t 
swear it was whiskey— 

Dan.—O f course you couldn’t. I don’t know 
what put that into your head, Mamie. Those 
boxes you saw last night were cases of ? gasoline. 
We store it down there because it isn’t safe to 
have near the house—it’s too inflammable. I’m 
glad you told me about it, though. We don t 
want any misunderstandings on this ranch. 

Mamie. — (Listening patiently, then resuming.)— 
So I went to bed again, meaning to get hold of a 
hatchet later on, and find out for sure. 

Dan.— (Ironically.) —Oh! Thanks for telling 
me. 

Mamie.—A nd I did get hold of a hatchet, early 
this morning, and I did find out for sure. 

Dan.—O h, you did? 

Mamie.— I certainly did. 



66 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan.— {Stepping to her.) —Well? 

Mamie. —It's like this, Mr. Murchison. I 
don’t blame you for lying to me just now—I guess 
you kinda thought you had to. I don’t even 
blame you for boot-legging—much. I guess 
you’ve had a pretty hard time of it, and thought 
you’d get in and make some money. But being 
here alone by yourself is one thing, and having 
Zander here is another. It’s a bad influence for 
Zander—so I’m afraid you’ll have to cut it out. 

Dan.—A nd supposing I don’t choose to cut it 
out? 

Mamie. —Oh, but you will, won’t you? 

Dan. —We’ll talk about that some other time. 

Mamie. —No we won’t—we’ll settle it right 
now. I’m not fooling, Mr. Murchison. When I 
set out to find Zander’s Pa, I did it for just one 
reason. I thought a Pa would be a nice thing for 
him to have. Most kids have ’em, so I kinda felt 
Zander ought to have one, too. But I made up 
my mind, then and there, if I did find you, and 
you wasn’t the kind of man Zander ought to have 
for a Pa, we’d leave you flat just like we left 
Weeweedin, New Jersey. Well, you ain’t that 
kind of man, and again you are. There’s a lot of 
good in you—I can see that. But if you want 
me and Zander to stay on this ranch you gotta 
cut out bootlegging.—( Xes to him). 

Dan. —Oh! So that’s it?— {Stepping toward 
her). 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan. —Well, let me tell you something, my 
girl. If you think you can leave this ranch, just 
try it. —(Texas gives a yell off stage R.) 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


67 


Dan. —There’s Texas.—( With a nod of dis¬ 
missal.) —Run along, now. 

Mamie. —Are you going to do the right thing 
by Zander, or ain’t you? 

Dan. —(, Steps to her c. Fiercely). —Will you do 
as I tell you? 

Mamie. —( After holding her ground for a mo¬ 
ment, turns and exits R.) —I was going to finish 
my washing, anyway. 

(Dan watches her go, then turns as Texas enters 
REAR. He is carrying his coat over his arm.) 

Dan. —( Xes to table r.c. and sits.)— Get through 
all right, Texas? 

Texas. — (At door c., taking off his belt, and 
holster which contains a revolver. He hangs same 
on peg R. of C. door .)—You betcha! Made San 
Julian about one 9 ’clock, stowed the truck away, 
paid them fellers like you told me—got your pony 
from Brick Thompson—and here I be. No 
trouble at all, boss—none whatever. 

Good News. — (Enter from r.) —Hey, boss, four 
more rabbits! 

Dan.— Drown them.—(To Texas.)— Better get 
yourself some breakfast, Texas. 

Good News. —Your coffee’s on the stove keep¬ 
ing hot. 

Texas.— (At chair l.c. taking off his spurs.)— 
Don’t want no coffee. Stopped at the Triangle 
Bar Ranch for breakfast on my way back. 

Good News.— And me going to all that trouble. 
Why didn’t you tell me you were going there for 
breakfast? 



68 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. —Because I didn’t know I was going 
there, you big stiff ! 

Dan. —Cut it out, boys! We’ve got something 
else to think about. We’re not out of the woods 
yet—not by a long shot. 

(Good News sits r. of table.) 

Texas.—I guess I know that. Getting the 
booze is only half the battle. We gotta get in 
now and deliver it to our customers .—(Xes to 
table.) 

Dan.—I don’t mean that, either. 

Texas .—(Throwing spurs on table.)— Well, I’ll 
be the goat. What do you mean? 

Dan.—M amie. 

Texas.—M amie? 

Dan. —Yes, Mamie. 

Texas.—W hat about her? 

Dan. —Well, for one thing, she knows we have 
liquor on the ranch. 

Texas. —What’s that? Who told her? 

Dan. —Nobody. It seems the truck woke her 
up last night, and she got up and took a look. 

Texas.—S he was a damned fool to tell you 
that. 

Good News.—S he couldn’t help herself. I got 
it out of her. 

Dan. —That isn’t all. She not only knows we 
have the liquor, but she knows where it’s hidden. 

Texas. —She does? So Mamie knows where 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


69 


our hooch is, eh?— (After a little thought.) —Say, 
boss, do you reckon that gal's a spy, after all? 

Dan—N o. 

Good News.—I bet she is. She wrote a letter 
this morning—wanted to know where to mail it. 

Dan.— Oh, she wrote a letter, did she?— (To 
Good News.)— Go and get it. Tell her I'm 
going to town, and I'll post it for her. 

Good News.— (Rises and Xes to R. stopping at 
door.) —Say, what if she won't give it to me? 

Dan.—T ake it away from her. 

Good News.— Now you're talking.— (He goes 
out R.) 

Texas.— Well, I guess that settles Mamie. 

Dan.—H ow do you mean settles her? 

Texas.—W e got to get rid of her. 

Dan.—H ow? 

Texas.—Y ou just leave it to me. 

Dan.—I said how? 

Texas.— That's easy. Tie her up good, gag 
her, chuck her in the back of the flivver, and 
cover her up with a blanket. Then 111 drive her 
over the border and turn her over to Mrs. Gon¬ 
zales. She'll take care of her, all right. 

Dan. — (Contemptuously.) —You must have been 
to the movies lately. 

Texas— Well, I betcha I could do it. Ain't 
them Custom House fellers friends of ours? 

Dan.— (Rises.) —Don't be a damned fool, 



70 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. Running booze over the border is one 
thing, and running women over is another. It 
isn’t done.— (Good News enters r.) —Get the 
letter? 

Good News. —Yep —{Reading address 0 } letter,) 
—It’s to Elmer Lovejoy, Pioneer Garage, Wee- 
weedin, New Jersey. 

Dan. —I wonder who Elmer Lovejoy is. — (To 
Good News.) —Read it.—(G ood News hesitates. 
Dan motions him to go on.) 

Good News.— (Sits r. of c. table. Tearing open 
envelope and reading.) —Dear Elmer: I guess you 
must be wondering why you didn’t hear from me, 
but it took longer than I thought it would to get 
to Arizona. You’ll be glad to know the flivver 
held up real well, and except for tire trouble and 
the rabbits we got along fine. And I did find 
Zander’s Pa. Yes, Elmer. And maybe you 
think he wasn’t glad to see Zander. He looks 
something like that fellow that works in the Five 
and Ten Cent Store, only he’s lots better looking. 
And he’s got the most wonderful eyes . . . 

Dan.—G ive me that letter.—(G ood News 
hands him letter.) 

Good News. — (Slapping his leg.) —Haw, haw, 
haw. Say, that rich, that is. 

Texas. — (Also laughing.) —Looks like you’d 
made a hit with Mamie. 

Good News and Texas. — (Both laughing.) 

Dan.—C ut it out, will you? 

Texas.— (After a pause.) —Yes, you damned 
fool. This ain’t any time to carry on that away. 

Good News. —Say, a guy can laugh on this 
ranch if he wants to, can’t he? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


71 


Dan.’—N ot at me. 

Good News.—I wasn’t laughing at you, Boss. 

I was laughing at Mamie. 

Dan.—( Xes to l.c.) —You’re in no position to 
laugh at Mamie. She’s got the goods on us,^ I 
tell you. And we’ve got to decide what we’re 
going to do with her. We can’t turn her loose, 
that’s certain. 

Texas. —And if we keep her here against her 
will, she’s liable to make a whole lot of trouble 
for us. 

Dan.—E xactly. 

Good News.— (Rises.) —You can always use 
the kid. 

Dan.—H ow do you mean use the kid? 

Good News. —He’s your kid, ain’t he? 

Dan.—W hat of it? 

Good News. —Well, if Mamie don’t behave 
herself, you can take the kid away from her, 
can’t you? 

Dan.—I believe you’ve hit it. 

Texas.— (Rises.)— But listen! If Mamie gives 
us away what good will it do to take the kid 
from her then? 

Dan.—N ot the slightest good. That’s why 
I’m not planning to take him away from her then. 
I’m planning to take him away from her now — 
(Steps L.) 

Texas. —Now? 

Dan.— If necessary. 



72 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas. —But I thought we needed the kid 
here—just in case the sheriff showed up again— 
or Bill Price. 

Dan. —The kid will be where we can get him 
if we need him. Well! How about it? Shall 
we go ahead? 

Texas.—S ure! Why not? 

Dan.— (To Good News.)—W hat do you say? 

Good News. —What you asking me for? It 
was me that give you the idea in the first place. 

Texas. —That's right. After all these years 
Good News he went and thought of something. 

Good News.—O h, is that so? 

Dan.—(T o Good News.)— Tell Mamie I want 
her. 

Good News.— (Grumbling as he Xes R.) —A guy 
never gets any credit around here.— (Turning at 
door. To Dan). —Say, boss, if taking the kid 
away from Mamie don't work, I tell you what will. 

Dan. —What? 

Good News. —Just look at her with them won¬ 
derful eyes of yourn. Haw, haw, hawf— (He goes 
out R.) 

Texas.— (Steps r.)—H a, ha! 

Dan.— (Turning on him fiercely.) —What are 
you laughing at? 

Texas. —Who, me? Oh, I just happened to 
think of a fool song I used to know. I'll sing it 
for you sometime. 

Dan. —You’ll be singing out of the other side 
of your mouth if you're not careful. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


73 


Texas. Either side, boss—it's all the same to 
me. 

(Good News enters r.) 

Dan.— Where's Mamie? 

Good News—S he's busy. 

Dan.—D id you tell her I wanted her? 

Good News.—I sure did. But she ain't com¬ 
ing. She said if you wanted to see her, she guessed 
you knew where to find her.— (Steps r.c.) 

Dan.—( Starts to X toward R. door .)— 1 There's 
only one trouble with that girl—she's stubborn. 
—(He goes out R. leaving door open.) 

Texas.— You sure did get the boss's goat, old 
timer. 

Good News.— (Pleased.) —Say, I did, didn't I? 
—(They both listen. A murmur of voices is heard 
off R. which gradually increases.)— Looks like 
Mamie had got his goat, too. Bet she gets away 
with it. 

Texas.— (Xes to l.c.)— Not a chance. 

Good News.— Bet she does. 

Texas.— Betcha five hundred dollars to six 
bits she don't. — (One now hears Mamie and Dan 
distinctly for they are approaching the door. Texas 
Xes to L.) 

Mamie.— (Off stage.)— No! 

Dan.— (Offstage.) —Yes, you will. 

Mamie.— (Offstage.) — Leave me alone.— (There 
is the sound of a slight struggle , then Dan enters 
dragging Mamie by the wrist from R. door.) —You 
let me go! 



74 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. — (As they cross to c. Mamie bites Dan's 
hand. He lets go of her immediately and nurses 
hand.) —Ouch! She bit me. 

Mamie.—Y es, and I'll bite you again if you get 
funny. Who do you think you are, anyway, 
dragging me around like this? 

Dan. — (Nursing his hand.) —When I give orders 
on this ranch I expect them to be obeyed.— 
(Indicating bench which Mamie is standing in 
front of, c.) —Sit down! 

Mamie.—N o. 

Dan.—A ll right, then, stand up! 

Mamie. —No.— (She sits down l. of table.) 

Dan. —Just as you like, Mamie. Our only 
idea is to make you comfortable. Isn't that 
right, boys? 

Good News.—S ure! 

Texas.—Y ou know it! 

Dan. —And we don't feel you've been quite 
comfortable since you made that—er—discovery 
last night. 

Mamie. —You mean since I found out you was 
bootleggers? 

Dan. —We don’t care much for that word 
around here. 

Mamie. —Well! Are you going to cut it out? 

Dan.—N o. 

Mamie. — (Rises and steps up L.) —Then I’ll go 
and pack up our things and me and Zander will 
leave this ranch.— (She starts L.) 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


75 


Dan.— (Stopping her.) —No! 

Mamie. —You can’t stop me. 

Dan. —What makes you think I can’t? 

Mamie.—I got right on my side. 

Dan. —Legally, the kid is supposed to belong to 
me. 

Mamie. —So was that flivver out there supposed 
to belong to the Court back in Weeweedin. But 
I took it, didn’t I? 

Dan.—O h, you’d run off with the kid, would 
you? 

Mamie.—I certainly would. But I don’t have 
to. You’re going to let me go peaceable. Be¬ 
cause if you don’t ... I don’t want to act mean 
to you, but you’d better not crowd me too far. 

Dan.—A m I to understand you’re threatening 
us? 

(Good News has Xed to table R.c.) 

Mamie. —( Steps to c.)—No. I’m not threaten¬ 
ing you, I’m just telling you. You say you won’t 
cut it out. I say Zander and me won’t stay on 
this ranch unless you do. You say you got a 
legal right to him. Maybe you have. But you 
can bet your life on one thing—I didn’t bring that 
kid all the way to Arizona to get him a bootlegger 
for a Pa. So we’re going! And if you try to stop 
us— 

Dan—Y es? 

Mamie. —Just as sure as my name is Mamie 
Adams—if you try and keep me and Zander from 
going, I’ll have you all arrested. 



76 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —You mean you’ll inform the authorities? 

Mamie. —Yes, and you’ll lose that whiskey— 
every bit of it. 

Dan.—( Steps to her.) —You wouldn’t do that, 
Mamie. You wouldn’t send Zander’s own father 
to jail! 

Mamie.— Listen! I’d send my own grand¬ 
mother to jail if she was a bad influence for that 
kid. 

Dan. —So those are your terms, eh?— (He Xes 
up c. To Good News and Texas, coming down.) 
—Well, boys, there doesn’t seem to be any 
mistake about Mamie’s attitude. 

Good News.—Y ou’re darn tooting there ain’t. 

Texas.—I don’t mind that word bootlegger, 
but I don’t care one little bit for that word jail. 
— (He Xes to L.) 

Dan.—I don’t care for it much myself.— (To 
Good News.)—G et the kid. 

Mamie.—(Good News exits r.)— What do you 
want with Zander? 

Dan. —I can send for my own kid, can’t I? 

Mamie.—I wish I knew what you was up to. 
Something mean, I’ll bet. 

Dan. —On the contrary, I’m going to behave 
very generously towards you.— (As Good News 
enters with Zander r. Good News Xes to up l.) 
—Ah, here he is.— (To Zander.) —Come here, 
son.— (Zander doesn’t move until he sees nickel. 
Taking a nickel from his pocket.) —Here’s a nickel 
for you.— (Zander Xes to Dan l.c.) 




ZANDER THE GREAT 


77 


Mamie. ( Through force of habit , as Zander 
n f c kel.) —Where's your manners, honey? 
What do you say when folks give you things? 

Zander. — {Turns to her .)— 1 Thanks. 

Mamie. —That's Mamie's boy. Now, come to 
Mamie.— (She step% toward him.) 

Dan.—N o.— (. Lifting him around l. to Good 
News.)—T ake him in there and pack his clothes 
for him. — (He indicates door L.) 

Good News. —Come on, kid.—( They both exit 
L.) 

Mamie. —What did you tell him to pack Zan¬ 
der's clothes for? 

Dan. —Because you've convinced me, Mamie. 
A father's first duty is to his child, naturally. 

Mamie. —(Almost happy again, sits on bench L. 
of table.)— I thought you’d see it that way. 

Dan.. — (Stepping toward her.) —And if he can't 
bring himself to give up a profitable business then 
the next best thing is to surround his child with 
good influences— elsewhere. 

Mamie. —Elsewhere? Oh! Then you are go¬ 
ing to let me take Zander away from here? 

Dan. —Not exactly. You see it will take us 
some time to get rid of the liquor we have on hand. 

Mamie. —What's that got to do with it? 

Dan. —It has this to do with it. I've decided 
to sent the kid away during that time. 

Mamie. — (Rises.) —Where to? 

Dan. —That's something I'm not at liberty to 





78 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


tell you. But if you’ll stay here, and not betray 
us, I’ll see that the kid comes back again. 

Mamie. —Let me get this straight. You mean 
you think you’re going to send Zander away, and 
that I’m going to stay here?— (As Dan nods .)— 
Why there ain’t anything in the world that would 
make me do that!—( Steps to Dan.) 

Dan.—A ll the same, you’re going to stay, 
Mamie. 

Mamie. —Well, I just ain’t! 

Dan. —Then I’m afraid you’ll never see that 
kid again as long as you live.—( Turns away.) 

Mamie. —Never see him again? What are you 
talking about? Why, you know Zander couldn’t 
get along without me. 

Dan. — (To Texas who has been standing L.) — 
Tell Good News to be sure and take a blanket for 
the kid. It’s a long ride to Mexico. 

Mamie. —(Half to herself as Texas goes out L.) 
—Mexico!— (Steps to Dan with a pitiful little 
smile.) —You’re trying to scare me, ain’t you? 
Trying to get even with me for saying I’d send 
you to jail? 

Dan. —There’s nothing to worry about. The 
kid will be well taken care of. 

Mamie. —You don’t really mean it. You 
couldn’t do a thing like that. 

Dan. —Don’t have any illusions on that point, 
my girl. I do mean it. And what’s more, I’m 
going to do it.— (Turns away.) 

Mamies- (Half to herself.) — He means it. — 
(Stepping to Dan.) —Listen, Mr. Murchison— 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


79 


you don t have to do this. You needn’t be afraid 
111 give you away. I won’t—I swear I won’t. 
You need Zander around here—honest you do. 
I wouldn’t be worth a cent to you without Zander. 
But with him around I’m an awful good cook. 
That coffee you had for breakfast—if you think 
that was coffee, just wait till you’ve tasted some 
of mine. I noticed you liked your eggs fried on 
both sides, too. And you can do all the boot¬ 
legging you want to. I’ll get right in and 
help you. Only you can’t take Zander away from 
me—you can’t! You gotta let him stay. 

Dan— (Steps L.)— Oh! Changed your mind 
about bootlegging, have you? 

Mamie.—I didn’t know what you was up to 
then. 

Dan. —The only trouble with that is, you might 
change your mind again. 

Mamie. —I won’t. I swear I won’t! 

Dan. —Well, I’m not taking any chances. 
There’s too much at stake. The kid goes.— 
(Turns away L.) 

Mamie. —But you can’t send Zander to Mexico. 
How’s he going to ask for a drink of water? He 
can’t speak Mexican. Who’s going to dress him 
in the morning? Who’s going to put him to bed 
at night and hear his prayers? And there’s that 
Mexican cooking. He can’t eat stuff like that. 

Dan. —You’ll have him back again—if you 
behave yourself. 

Mamie. —You don’t know what awful things 
can happen to a kid in just a day. Zander ain’t 
had whooping cough yet—or measles. He’s 
liable to choose just this time to get ’em. And 





80 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


scarlet fever! A kid died of scarlet fever just 
before we left Weeweedin. 

Dan.—T hat's enough! I don't want to hear 
any more about it. 

Mamie. —You've got to hear. You don't know 
what you're doing, Mr. Murchison. If you send 
Zander away you'll be sorry—sorrier than you've 
ever been for anything in your whole life. You'll 
try and forget it-—but you can't. You'll wake 
up at night and wish you hadn't done it. For 
you can't treat a little kid like that and call your¬ 
self a man. You can't do it, Mr. Murchison— 
you can't do it. 

Dan. —Well, you see, Mamie, I'm not alone in 
this. Texas and Good News are my partners. 

Mamie. —You're the boss.—(Steps to him.) 

Dan. —Yes. But unfortunately you used a 
certain word in their presence—a word that isn't 
very popular around here—the word jail. 

Mamie. —( Steps closer to him.) —I didn't mean 
it—honest I didn't. 

Dan. —Yes, but how are they to know you 
didn't mean it? 

Mamie.— They'll know if you tell ’em. Please, 
Mr. Murchison. I'll do anything for you—I'll 
work my fingers to the bone if you'll only let 
Zander stay. 

Dan. —Well, I'll think about it.— {Thinking .)— 
Perhaps it might be arranged.— {Suddenly the 
sound of a horse approaching in the distance is 
heard.)— Hullo! .1 wonder who that is?— {He 
goes up to c. door, looks out. Mamie Xes to table 
R.C. Standing in doorway.) —It's the sheriff! 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


81 


Mamie—T he sheriff?— (Sound increases and 
comes to stop.) 

Dan.—( i Coming down to her r.c. and clutching 
her by the wrist.) —Remember! You said you would- 
n t give us away. 

Mamie.— ( Triumphantly , snatching her wrist 
away.)— The sheriff!— (Xing to L.)—Now I 
guess you’ll be good! We’ll see what the Sheriff 
has to say about the way you’ve been treating 
your kid.—( Turns to L.c.) 

Dan.—I s this the way you keep your promise? 

Mamie.—I only promised because I had to. 
I’d break a million promises for Zander. 

Dan.— {Coldly.) —Oh, then you are going to 
give us away? 

Mamie. — {Turns to him.) —I certainly am. 
I’m going to tell him everything. He’ll show you 
where you get off. Going to take Zander away 
from me, are you? Well I guess not! You ain’t 
going to take Zander away from me!—I’m going 
to take him away from you. I’m going to take 
him so far you’ll never see him again as long as 
you live. 

Dan.— {Xes to her L.c.)—That’s all very in¬ 
teresting, Mamie. _ But it just happens that the 
man who rode up just now wasn’t the sheriff. 

Mamie. — {Stepping back) —What do you mean? 

Dan.—J ust what I say. It wasn’t the sheriff 
—it was Juan. 

Mamie. —I don’t believe it.— {She runs up to c. 
door, and looks off L., then gives a little moan.) —It 
is Juan. You lied to me!— {Then furiously). — 
You said it was the sheriff!— {Coming down to 
Dan). 



82 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Dan. —And you said you wouldn’t give us away. 
Now we know where we stand, don’t we? 

Mamie. — (Comes to him appealingly.) —Please, 
Mr. Murchison—please! 

(Good News and Texas enter with Zander l. 
Good News has Zander by the hand. Texas is 
carrying Zander’s belongings wrapped up in a 
blanket tied neatly with a rope.) 

Dan.— ( Taking Mamie by the wrists and 
swinging her round R.) —No scenes now. If you 
make a row, out you go! Ready to leave, Good 
News? Come down to the corral and I’ll get you 
a horse.— (He starts up c.) 

Mamie. — (Kneeling on downstage bench of table 
R.c. Texas is up l.c. and Good News is c. with 
kid. Dan is in doorway.) —Wait! You don’t 
have to do this, Mr. Murchison. 

Dan. —Remember what I told you. 

Mamie. —(Indicating Texas and Good News.) 
—But you haven’t told them what I said.— (To 
Good News.) —You know I won’t give you away, 
don’t you?— (To Texas.) —You do—don’t you? 
I’ll swear it on the Bible—if you want me to. 

Texas.—T he kid goes. 

Mamie. —But he can’t go. Why, I haven’t 
even said goodbye to him yet. 

Dan. — You’ll only upset him. — (Xes to R. up¬ 
stage.) 

Mamie.— No, I won’t. I don’t want him to be 
scared any more than you do.— (Leaving bench 
and holding out her arms out to Zander. He 
runs from Good News into Mamie’s arms.)— 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


83 


Come here, honey.—(. Kneeling down as Zander 
runs to her, then putting her arms around him .)— 
You’re going for a ride on a horse. Ain’t that 
fine? And you’re going to visit a nice man down 
in Mexico. Mamie wishes she could go with you 
—but she can’t. So you must be a good boy and 
act just the same as if Mamie was there. And when 
you come back—’cause you are coming back— 
you’ll tell me all about it, won’t you? Now give 
Mamie a sweet kiss.— (He throws his arms about 
Mamie’s neck and kisses her. Clutching him 
frantically.) —I won’t give him up! I won’t! I 
won’t! 

Dan.—(T o Good News.)—T ake him away 
from her! 

Mamie. — (Rises. Dan Xes r. upstage. As 
Good News starts, Zander clutches Mamie 
again.)—No, don’t frighten him. Now, go with 
Good News, honey. Mamie was only fooling. 
She wants you to go.— (Zander releases Mamie 
and goes to Good News looking back at Mamie. 
To Good News.) —He don’t know much about 
horses. You won’t let him get hurt, will you? 

Good News.—D on’t you worry, Mamie. 

Mamie. —Have you got his flannel nightie? 

Good News.— Sure! I got everything— (To 
Zander).— Come on, kid.— (Texas has dropped 
down L.c. and Dan drops down R.) 

Mamie. —But his coat! He hasn’t got his 
coat! Come here, honey, and get your coat.— (She 
Xes up to door rear where Zander s coat is hang¬ 
ing on peg R. of door. As she takes the coat from 
the peg, she suddenly becomes aware of the belt and 
holster which Texas has hung there. Grabbing 
revolver from holster, dropping the coat on the floor 



84 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


and pushing Zander behind her.) —Now, if you 
think you can take Zander away from me, you 
just try it.—( Covering them with revolver.) 

Texas. —It ain't loaded, Mamie. 

Mamie. —It is loaded, and I know how to use 
it.— (Mamie is standing at door c.) 

Dan. —She won't shoot. 

Mamie.—I will, too. 

Texas. —Hey, look behind you! 

Mamie. —Don't you wish I would.—(To Zan¬ 
der, whom she is holding behind her in doorway .)— 
Run out and get in the flivver, honey. Quick, 
now!— (Zander scuttles out rear and off L. Then 
suddenly conscious that Good News has been edg¬ 
ing toward her.) —Get back there! 

Dan. —That will be about all, Mamie. I’ve 
had enough of this foolishness. Now give me 
that gun. —{He starts towards her.) 

Mamie. —If you don't stop, I'll shoot. 

Dan. —No, you won't.—( Continuing towards her) 

Mamie.—I will, too. 

(Dan continues confidently. Mamie shoots. 
Dan claps his hand to his left arm—she has nicked 
him. Dan sits holding his arm on downstage 
bench of table. , Mamie, seeing what she had done, 
drops revolver, takes one or two steps downstage, 
gives a little moan and falls to the floor in a dead 
faint.) 


Good News.—I knew doggoned well something 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


85 


like this was going to happen.—(G ood News and 
Texas come to Mamie as the 


CURTAIN FALLS 



86 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


ACT III. 


Time: Four days later. 

Scene: Same as Act II. 

Discovered: Texas seated back of table finish¬ 
ing a solitary meal and drinking coffee. 
Though after five in the afternoon, it is his 
breakfast, as he has been up all the night before 
delivering liquor. A pause — then Good 
News enters r. 


Good News. —( Impatiently.) —Say, what do 
you think this is, an all night restaurant? Get a 
move on you, I wanta clear up.— {Puts salt and 
pepper on shelves. As Texas pays no attention to 
him.) —Listen. If I can get in and cook breakfast 
for you at five o’clock in the afternoon, the dog- 
goned least you can do is to swallow it. 

Texas. —When a guy’s out all night every 
night delivering booze, he’s got to sleep sometime, 
don’t he? What’s your rush, anyway? 

Good News. — I gotta run over to Juan’s before 
I get dinner and see the kid. 

Texas.—W hat for? 

Good News. —Hell’s bells! If that kid don’t 
see me every day he’s liable to think something’s 
happened to me.— {Xes to c. up stage.) 

Texas. —Well, you better not let Mamie see 
you going over there. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


87 


Good News. —Aw, she won't see me. She's 
out there.—( Looking out C. door and indicating off 

L,) 

Texas.—S ame place? 

Good News.— Yep. Say that's a good joke on 
Mamie. She thinks the kid is down in Mexico 
and he's been over to Juan's all the time. 

Texas. —Yes, that's a fine joke, that is. For 
two cents I'd bust this ranch wide open. How's 
the kid, anyway? Getting along all right? 

Good News. — {Xing to him r.c. at table.) —Is 
he getting along all right? Say, he's got all of 
Juan's four kids buffaloed already. Do you know 
what he done yesterday? He took a scorpion in 
a bottle away from Juanito, and Juanito is seven 
years old going on eight. Believe me that kid is 
a world beater. I tell you how much I think of 
that kid. If he was Mamie's kid instead of the 
boss’s, I'd marry that gal in a minute! I'm dog- 
goned if I wouldn't.— {Starts again to go L.) 

Texas.—O h, you would, would you? 

Good News. —You're darn tooting I would.— 
Are you through?— {Coming back to table R.c. and 
taking his cup and saucer. As Good News does 
so Texas grabs cup off saucer and puts same on 
table again.) 

Texas. —No, damn it! I'm not. 

Good News. —Looka here! You got to cut 
out cussing when that kid comes back. It's a 
bad influence. And another thing, I caught you 
wiping your hands on one of the dish towels the 
other day. You gotta cut that out, too. Mamie 
don't like it. — {Turns up C.) 



88 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Texas.—I reckon there’s lots of things on this 
ranch Mamie don’t like. 

Good News.—Y es, and you’re one of ’em. 

Texas. —She sure must think an awful lot of 
you. 

Good News. —Why wouldn’t she? Ain’t I 
helped her all I could? Don’t she know how hard 
I tried to keep you and the boss from sending the 
kid away? 

Texas.—S o that’s your game, is it? Well, 
I won’t stand for it.—( Rises and steps to him.) 

Dan.— (Entering rear from L. his arm bandaged 
and also in a sling.) —What won’t you stand for? 
—(Coming down L.c.) 

Texas. —Being made the goat around here. I f 
you think I like fighting kids and gals, you’re 
mistaken. 

Dan.—D o you suppose I like it? 

Texas.—Y ou started it, didn’t you? 

Dan. —And where would we be if I hadn’t, I’d 
like to know! It takes brains to beat a game like 
this. 

Good News. —You can’t beat no game where 
there’s a woman in it.— (To Dan. Steps toward 
him). —Where you went off the track was taking 
the kid away from Mamie in the first place. 

Dan. — I believe that was your idea. 

Good News. — (Xes to r.) —My idea, nothing! 
That’s the trouble with this ranch. Every time 
anything goes wrong you try to pin it onto me. 

Texas.—Y es, and the minute my back is 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


89 


turned you try and pin things onto me. I won’t 
stand for it, I tell you.—(. Picking up his hat which 
has been lying on the table since the opening of the 
act, puts it on and starts up C.) 

Dan.—W here you going? 

Texas.—I’ m going to town and get drunk. 

Dan. —No, you’re not. 

Texas.— {Stepping toward Dan.)—I’ d like to 
see anybody stop me. 

Dan. —Don’t be a fool, Texas. Two more 
days and we’ll have everything all cleaned up. 

Texas.— I ain’t waiting any two days. I’m 
going to get drunk now. 

Dan.—A ll right. Get drunk. Only you’re 
not going to town. 

Texas.—W hy ain’t I? 

Dan.— Because I don’t want my secrets spilled 
all over San Julian. If you must get drunk, you’ll 
get drunk here. 

Texas. —And have Mamie see me? Not on 
your life! 

Han.—Y ou can sleep it off over at the bunk 
house.— {Pointing off R.) 

Texas.— Listen! Nobody gets drunk on this 
ranch while Mamie’s here. 

Good News.— That’s what I say!^ I feel like 
getting drunk myself. But I wouldn t—not with 
Mamie here. I’m too much of a gentleman. 

Texas. —You’re too much of a what? 



90 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Good News.— You heard what I said. A 
gentleman.—( Picking up plate which Texas has 
been eating off.)— And another thing! When you 
get rid of the booze you got on hand you gotta cut 
out bootlegging, too. It's a bad influence for the 
kid.'— (He exits R.) 

Texas. —Why, the double-crossing old side 
winder! Can you beat it? 

Dan.— (Amused.) —He's a wonder. 

Texas.—T he thing I like about Good News is 
he's so poison mean he makes every other guy 
look like a prince. 

Dan. —He's right at that, Texas. This game 
we're in isn't good enough. When we clean up 
this time, I'm through.— (Sits in chair L.C.) 

Texas. —Reckon I am too. I sure will miss it 
though.— (Sits L. of table.) —Not so much for the 
money—but I certainly do get a kick out of it. 
When you got one deputy sheriff trailing you and 
another hiding in the bushes along the road wait¬ 
ing for you—Oh, boy! That's living!— (Thought¬ 
fully.) —When you come right down to cases, 
though, I guess being married to Mamie would 
have bootlegging skinned a mile. 

Dan. — (Rises.) —Married to Mamie? What 
are you talking about? 

Texas. —I like that gal. She ain't no clinging 
vine, believe me. She's got fourteen rattles and 
a button and her bite is death. I like that gal!— 
(Texas also rises.) 

Dan. —It just happens I've taken a fancy to 
her myself.— (Stepping to him, sharply.) —So 
you're to leave her alone—understand? 

Texas. —I'm to what? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


91 


Dan. —You're to leave Mamie alone. 

Texas. — (Stepping to him.) — Oh, I am, am I? 

Dan.—T hat's what I said. 

Texas. —Well, get this! I won't leave any¬ 
body alone. And you needn't bat them be-utiful 
eyes of yourn at me, neither. Taken a fancy to 
Mamie, have you? I reckon she's taken a fancy 
to you, too.—( Derisively, indicating Dan's ban - 
daged arm by bending his own arm and holding it 
out, he steps R.) —Looks like it, don't it?—( Turn¬ 
ing to Dan.) —Hell! Shooting ain't the half of it. 
She'd cut your heart out and give it to the kid to 
play with. That's how much Mamie thinks of 
you. 

Dan. —I don't want to quarrel with you, Texas, 
but when I say you're to leave Mamie alone, I 
mean it. She's too good for an ignorant cow- 
puncher like you. 

Texas. — (Stepping to him.) —Is that so? Well 
let me tell you something. She's too good for a 
dirty bootlegger like you. 

Dan.—T hat’s fighting talk where I come from! 

Texas. —I guess we must have come from the 
same place.— (As they stand eyeing each other with 
hatred in their eyes, Juan enters rear. He is very 
much excited. He comes downstage a few steps.) 

Juan. — (In Spanish.) —Senor! El chiquillo! 
Hoy mi muyer y yo fuimos a casa de mi cunada 
Rosalia. Esta el dia de sua santo. Quando 
hemos venido el muchachito ha disaparecido. 

Dan. — (In Spanish, stepping toward him.) — Le 
han buscado? 

Juan. —Por todas partes! En todas direc- 
ciones! Es perdido. 



92 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


(Good News enters r.) 

Good News.— What’s the matter? 

Dan.—T he kid is lost. 

Good News and Texas.— (Together.) —Lost? 

Dan.— Juan and his wife were away this after¬ 
noon. When they returned the kid was missing. 

Good News.— (Xes to r.c. upstage of table.)— 
Didn’t any of the other kids see him go? 

Juan.— No, senor. 

Dan.—J uan, saddle four horses at once. 

Juan.—S i, senor. —(Juan exits hurriedly rear 
and off R.) 

Texas.— (To Dan.)— What did you tell him to 
saddle four horses for? 

Dan.— Juan’s going too. 

Texas.—Y es, but you can’t go—not with that 
arm. 

Dan.— Like hell I can’t. We got to find that 
kid.— (Thinking and stepping down LEFT.) —He 
can’t have gone far. 

Texas.—S trayed up some gulley, I reckon. 
(Start Lights Dimming.) 

Good News.—T his yere’s a doggoned tricky 
country to get lost in. 

Dan.—I must tell Mamie. 

Texas.— You’re crazy. You can’t tell Mamie 
the kid is lost. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


93 


Dan. I don t intend to. —( Going up to door 
rear and calling off rear L.)— Oh, Mamie! Come 
here, please. — (He comes down , and stands there 
thinking.) 

Texas.— ( Sneeringly .)—Thinking up some new 
jie to tell her, I suppose. 

Dan. — (Sincerely and thoughtfully.) —No. I was 
thinking what it would mean to Mamie if any¬ 
thing happened to that kid.— (Quite unexpectedly 
Good News gives a sob.) 

Texas. —What’s the matter with you? 

Good News.—I love that kid. 

Dan. —You’d better go help Juan with the 
horses. 

Good News.—T hat’s just what I was a-going 
to do. — (Good News exits r. Texas Xes to l.) 

Dan. —Before we start we must tell Mamie 
we’re going. Texas, you’ll search the gully 
behind Juan’s house. Good News will take the 
mesa. I’ll send Juan over towards the Triangle 
Bar, and I’ll head west.— (He starts upstage as 
Mamie enters. She looks pale and worn.) —Oh, 
I’m sorry to bother you, but something happened 
out on the range—something that demands the 
attention of all of us. So I’m afraid we’ll have 
to leave you alone for a while. 

Mamie.— (Xing and sitting on L. side of table.) 
—I want to be alone. 

Dan.—W e may be gone all night. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 

Dan.—B ut you will be perfectly safe. 



94 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —Yes, sir.— {Motor is heard faintly in 
the distance.) 

Texas. — {Starting towards c. door.) —What’s 
that? Somebody’s coming. 

Dan.—S ee who it is. 

Texas. — {At door c.) —It’s the sheriff and the 
two birds with him. Couple of deputies I reckon. 
—{Motor sound increases.) 

Dan. — {Xing to R. door.) —Come out this way, 
Texas. We haven’t time to talk to Jim. 

Mamie. —Wait a minute! If it is the sheriff 
and anything happens, you’ll think I gave you 
away.— {Motor stops.) 

Dan.—N o, we won’t. {To Texas.) We must 
find that k— Come on, Texas. 

Mamie. —Is it really the Sheriff, Texas? 

Texas. —{Who has followed Dan to door , turns 
to Mamie as she speaks.) —It sure is. And it sure 
will be bad for the kid if you give us away now. 
—{As he starts to exit the Sheriff enters rear .)— 
Well, well, well! If it ain’t my old side-pardner. 
— {To Mamie, indicating Sheriff.)— This hand¬ 
some guy is the sheriff, Mamie. Jim, meet my 
friend Miss Mamie Adams. I reckon you two 
will have a lot to say to each other. Well, so 
long, folks.— {He exits R., closing door behind him.) 

Sheriff. — {Stepping down c.) —Where’s Texas 
off to? 

Mamie. —He’s going out on the range. 

Sheriff. —So you’re Mamie Adams. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


95 


Sheriff.—( After a little pause.) —You look like 
a nice girl* Mamie. 

Mamie.—I am. 

Sheriff. —Well, for a nice girl, youVe fallen 
into pretty bad company, it seems to me. Do you 
know what kind of a ranch this is? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir. It's a cow ranch. 

Sheriff. —In a way, yes. But there's some¬ 
thing else going on here. In fact, Mamie, this 
ranch is nothing but a nest of bootleggers. 

Mamie. —Then why don't you arrest ’em? 

Sheriff.—I haven't been able to prove it.— 
{After a little pause. Stepping toward her.) —I've 
an idea you're going to help me prove it. 

Mamie. —No, I ain't. 

Sheriff. —Surely you're on the side of law and 
order? 

Mamie. — I ain't on nobody’s side—except 
Zander's. 

Sheriff. —Then you won't tell me what you 
know? 

Mamie. —I ain't admitting I know anything. 

Sheriff. —Of course you understand I could 
make you tell me. 

Mamie.—I bet you couldn't. 

Sheriff.— That's always the way. When you 
want women to talk, they won't, and when you 
don't want 'em to, you can't stop em. Have 
heard from home lately? 

Mamie.— Home? 



96 ZANDER THE GREAT 


Sheriff. —From Weeweedin, New Jersey. 

Mamie. —No, sir. 

Sheriff. —Would you like to? 

Mamie.—O h, yes, sir. 

Sheriff. —Well, perhaps it can be arranged.— 
(Going to door rear and calling out.) —Come on in. 

(Sheriff steps outside door as Jackson Pepper, 
followed by Elmer Lovejoy, enter. Jackson is 
still shabby; but Elmer is, according to his own 
idea, extremely well dressed.) 

Mamie.— (Rises and runs to Jackson). —My 
soul and body! If it ain’t Mr. Pepper.— (She 
flings her arms around his neck and kisses him. 
The Sheriff exits rear to l. She turns to Elmer.) 
—And Elmer! 

Elmer. —Ain’t you got a kiss for me, too, 
Mamie? 

Mamie. —I almost did kiss you, Elmer. Well, 
well, well! What are you two doing clear out 
here. 

Jackson. —We came out to find you, Mamie. 

Mamie.—B ut how did you know where I was? 

Jackson. —( Starts down r.) —Got in touch with 
the Sheriff, and he remembered seeing you and 
the flivver. Elmer’s real smart about such 
things.— (Stopping at bench.) 

Mamie, —Well, I certainly am glad to see you. 
Zander will never get over not being here.— 
(Elmer drops down l.c.) —He’s visiting a friend 
of his Pa’s down in Mexico. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


97 


Elmer. —Am I to understand you’re here all 
alone on this ranch—with nothing but men? 

Mamie. —Yes, till Zander gets back. 

Elmer.—T hen you’re going back to Singletree 
with us tonight. 

Mamie.—I can’t, Elmer. 

Elmer. —You’ve got to. I’m not going to have 
you stay here on this ranch with nothing but men. 

Mamie. —Oh, that’s all right. 

Elmer. —Well, it may be all right in Arizona. 
But back in Weeweedin, it would cause talk. 

Mamie. —Elmer Lovejoy! If you came all the 
way from Weeweedin, New Jersey, to find fault 
with me, you can go right straight back. 

Jackson.— Yes, Elmer. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself, coming all that way and 
starting to quarrel already.— (He sits L. of table.) 

Elmer. —Yes, but look here, Mamie! The 
sheriff says the man who owns this ranch is 
named Murchison, not Caldwell. 

Mamie.— Oh, he just calls himself Murchison. 
You see he kinda got into trouble. 

Elmer.— What kind of trouble? 

Mamie.— Oh, just trouble. He’ll be sorry to 
miss you, but he’s out on the range. But tell me 
about Weeweedin. How’s everybody?—(To Jack- 
son). —How’s your wife, Mr. Pepper? 

Jackson.— Well, the last time I saw her she 
was madder than a hornet. 

Elmer. —She didn’t want him to come. 



98 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Jackson. —She certainly didn’t. Maria, I says, 
“I'm going on a vacation. “No, you ain’t,” she 
says. “Yes, I am,” I says. “Then I’m going 
with you,” she says. “No, you ain’t,” I says. 
“If you go with me, it won’t be any vacation.” 
And Elmer and I came out here on the Santa Fe 
Limited like a couple of millionaires. 

Mamie. —But how could you afford to come all 
that way? 

Jackson. —Oh, Elmer’s been doing real well, 
lately. Ain’t you Elmer,? 

Elmer.—I came out to take you home with me, 
Mamie. 

Mamie.— ( Dreamily , half to herself). — Home! 
Trees and grass, women folks hanging over the 
back fence, and the trolley car stopping at the 
corner— 

Jackson. —You’d better come back with us. 

Mamie. —I couldn’t leave Zander. 

Elmer. —( Xing to l.) —He left you, didn’t he? 

Mamie. —Yes, but that’s different. You see 
his Pa is awful proud of Zander, and wanted some 
friends of his to see him—down in Mexico. He’s 
coming home soon, though.—(As she says this ‘ 
Zander’s voice is heard off rear r.) 

Zander. —( Off stage.) —Mamie! 

Mamie.—(c. ) —Zander ! 

(A pause. She turns and runs to rear door c. 
As she does so Zander runs into her arms calling 
“Mamie” again. She picks him up and carries 
him down stage C. hugging him all the while. His 
clothes are very dirty and dusty and he carries with 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


99 


him triumphantly a corked bottle which contains a 
scorpion. Evening has been coming on and on 
and offstage it is now almost dark.) 

Mamie. You’ve come back to Mamie, darling. 
You ve come back to Mamie.— {After a moment of 
more embraces.)— How did you get here, honey? 

Zanser.—I runned away. 

Mamie. —You mean to say you came back all 
alone by yourself?— {To the others, as Zander 
nods yes.) —Ain’t that kid a wonder? He walked 
all the way from Mexico?— {Hugging him again.) 
—My darling, my darling. Mamie’s so glad to 
see you. Poor little man! Why, you must be 
tired to death. 

Zander.—N o, Mamie. I ain’t tired. 

Mamie. —Do you hear that? He’s walked all 
the way from Mexico and he ain’t even tired.— 
{To Zander.) —What you got in the bottle, 
honey?— {Examining bottle.) —My soul and body! 
It’s a scorpion!— {Handing bottle to Elmer which 
he sets on bench in corner L.) 

Zander. —Juanito!— {Pointing to bottle.) 

Mamie. —Juanito!— {To others.) —Can you beat 
it? He’s talking Spanish.— {Clutching him to her 
once more.) —Oh, Zander! Mamie’s missed you. 
Mamie’s missed you. Do you see who’s here, 
honey? Mr. Pepper and Elmer Lovejoy. Ain’t 
that nice?— (To Jackson.) —And we will go back 
to Weeweedin with you. I couldn’t go before 
because Zander was away. Zander’s Pa ain’t a 
good man. He took Zander away from me. He’s 
been gone four days. I’ve been nearly crazy.— 
{Taking Zander in her arms.) —But he’ll never 
get another chance to take him away from me. 



100 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


We'll go and we'll go right now.—(To Jackson.)— 
Light the lamp, Mr. Pepper.— (Jackson takes a 
match from the table and lights lamp. As he does 
so the lights come up to half, and the offstage lights 
continue on down to moonlight. To Elmer.)— 
Get his rabbits, Elmer.—( Indicating door R.)— 
They're in the shed just outside the kitchen door. 
—(To Zander.) —We're going back to Weewee- 
din, honey. Do you hear? We're going back to 
Weeweedin!—( She carries him out L.) 

Jackson. — (After a pause.) —I guess you've 
won her, Elmer. 

Elmer. —( Grinning happily.) —Yes, I guess I 
got her this time. 

Jackson.—W hen I was courting my missus 
she said “no” to me four times, but I got her.— 
(His face losing it’s happy expression.) — Yes, I got 
her. 

Elmer. — (Thoughtfully.) —I think I'll buy that 
house next to Walter Tompkins. 

Jackson. —Yes, Mamie will like that. It's got 
a bathroom. 

Elmer. —There's one thing I don't like, though. 

Jackson.—W hat's that? 

Elmer.—I don't much like the idea of running 
off with another man's kid. 

Jackson. —You leave that to Mamie. 

Elmer. —I know a better way than that. I'll 
fix the Sheriff.— (He exits out rear to L. A pause, 
then Mamie enters carrying her hat and coat and 
an old battered suitcase.) 

Mamie. —(Handing the suitcase to Jackson.)— 
Put these things in the car, Mr. Pepper. There's 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


101 


one or two more things I got to get, and then I’ll 
be ready.— (Jackson takes suitcase, etc., and exits 
out rear to L. Mamie collects sewing basket and 
apron belonging to her. As she does so Dan enters 
from R. carrying lantern.) —Oh, you’re back! 

Dan.—I came to get the lanterns. This one is 
empty. Fill it, please. 

Mamie. —Yes, sir.— (She takes lantern and 
starts R. Zander enters l.) 

Zander. —Mamie!— (Mamie stops and turns. 
Dan stares at Zander. He can hardly believe his 
eyes.) 

Dan. —God! 

Zander. — (After a pause.) —Bottle. Bottle.— 
(He looks around stage for his bottle.) 

Dan. — (Sitting on bench left of table.) —I don’t 
know how you got here, old son, but I was never 
sojjglad to see anybody in my life. Come here.— 
(Zander runs to him.) 

Zander.— I want my bottle. 

Dan.—C ertainly. You can have all the bottles 
on the ranch. 

Mamie. — (Who is standing R. watching them. 
To Dan.)— Then you do care something for your 
kid. 

Dan.—I thought he was lost. 

Mamie. —You knew he’d run away. 

Dan.—Y es. And we were worried. This is a 
bad country to get lost in. You see we didn t 
send him down to Mexico, Mamie. He was over 
at Juan’s all the time. 



102 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie— Over at Juan's?— (To Zander). — 
Alexander P. Caldwell, Jr.! You told me you'd 
walked all the way from Mexico. 

Zander.—D idn't. 

Mamie. —Of course you didn’t. Mamie just 
thought you did.— (To Dan.) —I'll bet he would 
have, though.— (To Zander). —You would have, 
to see Mamie, wouldn't you, darling?— (She holds 
out her arms and he runs to her.) 

Jackson. —( Enters , followed by Elmer.) —Are 
you ready, Mamie? 

Mamie. —Yes, sir.— (Indicating Dan.) —This is 
Zander's Pa. This is Mr. Pepper from Weewee- 
din, and Elmer Lovejoy.— (Mamie sits on bench in 
front of table R. with Zander). 

Dan. —So you're Elmer Lovejoy. I've heard 
about you before. 

Elmer. —And I've heard about you, too. I 
know all about what you did to Mamie and the 
kid. 

Jackson. —And she's coming back to Weewee- 
din with us tonight. 

Dan. —She's going to do nothing of the sort. 

Mamie.— (Rising from bench.) —Yes, I am.— 
(To Zander.)—Y ou go with Elmer like a good 
boy.—(E lmer takes Zander and Xes to c. door , 
followed by Mamie. Mr. Pepper sits in chair L.) 

Elmer. —Come on, young fellow. 

Mamie. —Put him in the automobile and tell 
the Sheriff to look after him in case there's any 
trouble. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


103 


Elmer. — {In doorway with Zander. Mamie 
standing by them.) —There ain’t going to be any 
trouble. But TIE tell him.— (Zander goes off 
l. with Elmer.) 

Dan. —Why are you leaving, Mamie?— (Dan 
sits on bench front of table.) 

Mamie. — {Coming down c.)—Because you ain’t 
the right kind of a Pa for Zander, and this ranch 
ain’t the right kind of a place for him to be. And 
we’re going back to Weeweedin, New Jersey, 
where we got friends and everybody is good to us. 
—{Indicating Jackson.)—M r. Pepper here is a 
friend of ours. He’s one of the finest men that 
ever lived. 

Jackson. —Oh, shucks, Mamie! I ain’t worth 
the powder to blow me to blazes. 

Mamie. —You are too.— {As Elmer appears in 
doorway from L.)—Come on in, Elmer. I want 
you to hear this, too. I’m just telling Mr. Murchi¬ 
son why Zander and me are leaving. 

Dan. — {Rises.) —But Mamie! If you’ll stay 
we’ll change all that. There won’t be anything 
on this ranch you could possibly object to. 

Mamie. —Yes, there will. 

Dan.—W hat? 

Mamie. —You. When men are good to kids 
they’re good no matter what else they do. But 
when they’re mean to kids, I don’t care if they 
belong to a million churches, they’re bad. You re 
bad, Mr. Murchison. 

Dan.—I wasn’t mean to the kid. He had the 
time of his life down at Juan’s. And Juan s wife 
took care of him just as if he were her own. 



104 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie— Yes. Let him get lost. And gave 
him scorpions to play with. 

Dan. —Scorpions? What are you talking about? 

Mamie. —He brought one home with him in a 
bottle. 


Dan.—O h ! In a bottle. 

Mamie. —You got a lot of respect for anything 
in a bottle, ain’t you? I ain’t complaining, 
though. Zander’s back and that’s all that counts. 
But that’s why we’re leaving. And that’s why 
you gotta give him to me. 

Dan.—I thought you were taking him, anyway. 

Mamie.—I am. But I’d feel a lot easier if 
you’d give him to me. Here’s your chance to do 
a fine thing. God will forgive you for all those 
other things, if you’ll do this now. I got to have 
him, Mr. Murchison. So, come on—give him to 
me. 

Dan.—N o. 

Mamie.—Y ou might as well. I’m going to take 
him, anyway. 

Dan. —It isn’t that, Mamie. I don’t want you 
to go. 

Elmer. —( Steps to c.)—A lot we care what you 
want. 

Mamie. — (Elmer turns to Pepper.) —Don’t, 
Elmer. This is between Mr. Murchison and me. 
—(To Dan.) —Come on—give him to me. 

Dan.—I can’t, Mamie. 

Mamie.—Y es, you can. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 105 


Jackson. —It would be a real handsome thing 
to do, Mr. Murchison. We got it all fixed up 
back in Weeweedin for Mamie to adopt him. 

Elmer. —We’ll do it anyway. I got a pull 
with the judge. 

Jackson. —You can’t adopt an orphan if his 
father’s living, Elmer. 

Elmer.—W hy can’t you? 

Jackson. —Because he ain’t an orphan. 

Elmer. —Don’t you worry about that, Mamie. 
That judge would do it for me if the kid had three 
fathers living. 

Mamie. —Then I guess we’d better be leaving. 
—(Steps to C.) —I would have liked to say good-bye 
to Texas and Good News. Zander would, too. 

Elmer.—Y ou can write ’em a letter. 

Mamie. —( Starts up c.) —Yes. Well, good-bye, 
Mr. Murchison. 

Dan. —( Starts after her.) —You can’t go like 
this, Mamie.— (To Elmer and Jackson.)— 
Gentlemen, if you’d be so good as to step outside 
for a minute, I’d appreciate it very much. 

Elmer.—N o. 

Dan.—I have something very important to 
tell Mamie. 

Elmer. —Important to you or to Mamie? 

Dan.—T o both of us. 

Mamie. —I’d kinda like to hear what he has to 
say, Elmer. 



106 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Elmer. —( Taking her by the arm.) —You come 
with me. 

Dan.— {Sharply.) —Let go of her! Let go, I 
say!— {Then Xing upstage to rear door , as Elmer 
lets go.) —Now, get out of here.—(E lmer Xes to 
door after him.) 

Elmer. —No, I won’t get out. And you can’t 
put me out. 

Dan.— {Advancing towards him.) —No? 

Mamie.— {Sharply.) —Mr. Murchison, you just 
stop it! Elmer and Mr. Pepper are friends of 
mine. If you got anything to say to me you can 
say it before them. 

Dan. —No, Mamie, I can't. 

Mamie.—W hy can’t you? 

Dan.—B ecause I can’t. 

Mamie. — Then I guess it ain’t very important. 

Dan. —It is important. It’s vitally important. 

Mamie.—T hen go ahead. 

Dan. — I can’t, I tell you.— {Coming down to 
her R.c.) —How in God’s name can I ask you to 
marry me before two strangers? 

Mamie.— {Hardly believing her ears.) —Marry 
you? Was you going to ask me to do that?— 
{She sinks onto bench.) 

Dan.—I was. 

Elmer. — {Stepping toward him.) —Well, I 
wouldn’t, if I was you. 

Dan.—Y ou keep out of this. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


107 


Jackson. —Mamie's going to marry Elmer. 

Dan.— (To Mamie.) —What do you want to 
marry that hayseed for?— (Dan turns upstage.) 

Jackson. —He ain't a hayseed. He comes from 
Weeweedin, New Jersey. 

Dan.— (Stepping toward Mamie). You're mak¬ 
ing a great mistake, Mamie. 

Elmer. —She'd make a lot bigger one if she 
married you. 

Jackson. —That’s right, Elmer. Give it to 
him good. 

Mamie.— (Rises.) —Listen! Have I got any¬ 
thing to say about this, or ain't I? 

Elmer. —You leave him to me, Mamie. I'll 
settle him. 

Mamie.—B e quiet.— (To Dan.)—Y ou can go 
ahead now. 

Dan. —I've said all I have to say. 

Mamie.—I guess you didn't mean it, then. 

Dan. —Certainly I meant it. 

Elmer. —No, he didn't, Mamie. 

Mamie. —One more word from you, Elmer 
Lovejoy, and I'll send you out of the room. 

Jackson. — (Rises.) —But Mamie! If you're 
going to marry Elmer . . . (Dan has stepped up¬ 
stage.) 

Elmer.— Yes, Mamie, if you're going to marry 
me— 

Mamie.— (To Elmer).—W ill you be quiet? 



108 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


You can go outside now, Elmer.— (To Jackson.) 
—And you, too, Mr. Pepper. 

Elmer.—I won’t stir one step. 

Mamie.— Elmer Lovejoy! 

Elmer.— (After a moment’s hesitation.) —Oh, 
all right!— (He starts upstage but turns as Jackson 
speaks.) 

Jackson.— (Stepping after him.) —You’re mak¬ 
ing a great mistake, Elmer. A man’s got to be 
boss in his own home. 

Elmer.—I notice you ain’t boss in your home. 

Jackson.—T hat’s why I know it’s a mistake. 
—(They both exit rear to L.) 

Mamie.—(Dan comes down. After a little 
pause.) —Well? 

Dan.—W ell? 

Mamie. —You—you said you had something to 
—to tell me. 

Dan.—I thought I told you. 

Mamie.—W hat? 

Dan.—D o I have to say it all over again? 

Mamie.— Not if you don’t want to. 

Dan.—I do want to. 

Mamie.— Well? 

Dan.—I said I wanted you to marry me. 

Mamie.— You didn’t mean it, though. 

Dan.— Certainly I meant it. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


109 


Mamie. —No you didn’t. You was only trying 
to get even with Elmer Lovejoy. You oughtn’t tb 
have spoken to him the way you did. It wasn’t 
nice .—(Sits in front of table.) 

Dan.—P erhaps I wasn’t very polite. 

Mamie.—P olite? For a man that’s got good 
manners, you got the worst manners I ever saw. 

Dan. —(Sits beside her) —Well, will you, Mamie? 

Mamie. —Will I what? 

Dan.—M arry me? 

Mamie. —No. 

Dan.—T hen why did you make me say it all 
over again? 

Mamie.—I thought maybe you might say it 
different this time. 

Dan.—D ifferent? 

Mamie. —When they ask anybody to marry 
’em in the movies, they use an awful, lot of nice 
words. 

Dan. —So you would have liked it better if I’d 
used more words. 

Mamie.— No, it ain’t that. Only there was 
one word I was kinda looking for. 

Dan.—W hat word? 

Mamie. —If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. 

Dan —Was it by any chance the word love?— 
(As Mamie nods ,)—So you, wanted me to tell you 
I loved you? 



110 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Mamie. —No, I just wondered if you’d have the 
nerve. 

Dan.—W ell, I do. 

Mamie. —No, you don’t. 

Dan.—Y es, I do, Mamie. 

Mamie.—W hen did you begin? 

Dan.—I took a fancy to you from the very 
start. 

Mamie.—I kinda thought you did. 

Dan.—Y ou see I liked your pluck. 

Mamie. —Go on. 

Dan. —And then—Well, I didn’t think you’d 
have the nerve to do this to me.— {He indicates 
his wounded arm.) 

Mamie.—I’ m real sorry I hurt you. 

Dan.—I had it coming to me, Mamie. 

Mamie.—Y ou certainly did. 

Dan. —And then, when the kid got lost, I got 
to thinking what it would mean to you if any¬ 
thing happened to him. 

Mamie. —That ain’t love—that’s a guilty 
conscience! 

Dan. —No, it isn’t. It’s the real thing, Mamie. 
And you’re going to marry me—understand. 

Mamie.—I got to think what’s best for Zander. 
In lots of ways it would be better for him and me 
to go back to Weeweedin. That kid’s got to get 
educated. 

Dan.—T here’s a school only three miles away. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


111 


Mamie. —How’s he going to get there? 

Dan. —I’ll buy him a pony. 

Mamie. —He’s too young to ride three miles all 
alone by himself. 

Dan. —I’ll teach you to ride and you can go 
with him. 

Mamie.—( Thoughtfully .)—I ain’t ever rode a 
horse. I guess I could learn, though, if I could 
learn to drive a flivver. It certainly would be 
nice to ride on something that don’t rattle.— 
{After a little pause.) —Do you suppose Zander 
could have a cowboy hat, and a pair of those funny 
pants like Texas wears? He’d look awful cute 
in ’em. 

Dan. —Don’t you worry about Zander, Mamie. 
I’ll give him everything he’d get in Weeweedin— 
and a great deal more. 

Mamie.— {Quite suddenly and unexpectedly .)— 
Say, did anyone ever tell you you got wonderful 
eyes? 

Dan. — I believe Good News mentioned it once. 

Mamie. —That’s the first thing I noticed about 
you.— {After a little pause.) —Of course, this ranch 
ain’t exactly what I planned for Zander. But 
you must have his good at heart. You gotta 
have, being his Pa. 

Dan.—S upposing—supposing I weren’t his Pa. 

Mamie. —But you are. 

Dan. —There’s something I’ve got to tell you, 
Mamie. That first night—the night you got 
here—the sheriff was after me. My only thought 
at the time was to beat the game. Well, I did 



112 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


beat the game, but in some ways it would have 
been a lot better if I hadn’t. For when I told 
you— (He stops suddenly as Elmer and Jackson 
enter rear. Both rise.) 

Elmer. — (Coming down L.c.— Excitedly.) —I've 
been talking to the Sheriff, Mamie. He’s lived 
here all his life. 

Jackson. — (Down l.) —Yes, Mamie—all his 
life. 

Mamie.— (To Jackson— Xes to c.)—Every¬ 
body can’t live in Weeweedin, Mr. Pepper. 

Elmer. —The Sheriff says he’s never even 
heard of Alexander P. Caldwell.— (Indicating 
Dan.) —But he’s known this man twenty years. 
Dan Murchison! That’s his real name, Mamie. 
He’s no more Alexander P. Caldwell than I am. 

Jackson. —Yes, Mamie. He ain’t got any 
more right to the name of Caldwell than the man 
in the moon. 

Mamie.— (Turns to Dan.)—I don’t believe it. 

Dan. —It’s true, Mamie. 

Mamie. —But how can your real name be 
Murchison if you’re Zander’s Pa? 

Dan. — That’s what I was trying to tell you. 
I’m not. 

Mamie. —Y ou—ain’t—Zander’s—Pa? 

Dan. — (Turns up r.) —No, Mamie.— (Mamie 
sits L. of table dazed.) 

Elmer. —You must have known Caldwell or 
you couldn’t have fooled her like that. Where 
did you know him? 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


113 


Dan. —In Mexico. He was a friend of mine. 

Elmer. —Where is he now? 

Dan. —He’s dead—killed by bandits in Sonora 
on his way up here. 

Jackson.—S ure about that? 

Dan.— Absolutely! If you want the details 
you can get them from the American Consul at 
Guaymas.—( Turns up R.) 

Mamie.— He ain’t Zander’s Pa.—( Half to her¬ 
self.) —Lies! Nothing but lies! 

Jackson. —Well, Mamie, are you ready to go 
back to Weeweedin with us now? 

Mamie. —( Rises — Wearily.) —Yes, sir. 

Dan. —( Crossing to her.) —But Mamie! You 
can’t go like this. 

Elmer. —You shut your mouth. 

Dan. — (Steps to c.) —Keep out of this, Lovejoy. 

Mamie. —( Who has pulled herself together.)— 
Please! I don’t want to hear any more about it. 
I’m—I’m kinda tired. Did you get the rabbits, 
Elmer? 

Elmer.— (Steps up c.) —No. I’ll get them 
now. 

Mamie. —You’d better take the lantern. 

(Elmer takes lighted lantern which stands 
by door c. and exits to l. Mamie Xes to Pepper. 
Good News enters rear from R.) 

Good News.—W here is he? Where’s the kid? 

Mamie. —He’s all right, Good News. He’s out . 
in the automobile. 



114 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Good News.—B y golly! I thought the little 
son-of-a-gun was lost. 

Mamie.—Y ou do love him, don't you? 

Good News. —Why wouldn't I? That kid's a 
world-beater! 

Mamie.—(Dan has crossed and is sitting on 
bench in front of table. Stepping to Good News 
c. — Extending hand.) —Well, good-bye. 

Good News. —How do you mean, good-bye? 

Mamie. —We're leaving, Good News. Me and 
Zander's going back to Weeweedin. 

Good News.—W hen? 

Mamie. —Now. 

Good News. —Say, you can't do that! 

Mamie. —I'm afraid we've got to. 

Good News. —But you can't.— (To Dan— 
Steps to him R.c.)—Looka here! You ain't going 
to let her take your kid away like that, are you? 

Dan.— (At table R.c.)—He isn't my kid any 
more, Good News. He belongs to Mamie. 

Good News. —But that's plumb foolish. If 
you was going to give him away, why didn't you 
give him to me? I'd have paid you good money 
for him.— (To Mamie — Steps to her.) —Listen, 
Mamie! You don't have to go. I tell you what 
you do. You just stay here and marry the boss. 

(Mamie shakes her head.) 

Good News. —Then marry me. God knows I 
don't want to get married. But I’d do it for the 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


115 


kid.— (She makes no response.) —Well, for the love 
of Mike! There must be somebody. What 
about Texas?— (Texas enters rear from R.) 

Texas. —What about Texas?—( Coming down 
c.) 

Good News. —Mamie’s going to take the kid 
away. 

Texas—W here to? 

Good News. —Some fool place back east.— 
(.Xes to R.c.) 

Texas.— (Xing to Mamie l.c.)— Is that right? 

Mamie. —Yes, Texas. I’m glad you got back. 
I wanted to say good-bye to you, too. 

Texas.—I don’t want to say good-bye to you, 
Mamie. 

Good News. — (To Texas.) —Then why don’t 
you do something? 

Texas. — (Taking off his hat.) —I’m agoing to.— 
(To Mamie.) —-This ain’t just the way I planned 
to say it, Mamie, and it ain’t just the audience 
I’d have chose to say it before. But I’m strong 
for you, gal. I’ve got ten thousand dollars in the 
bank at El Paso. It’s all yours and the kid’s. 
And if you’ll take me with it, I’ll be mighty proud 
— mighty proud. 

Mamie. —I’m mighty proud that you asked me, 
Texas. But—I—I can’t do it. 

Texas. —That’s all right, Mamie—that’s all 
right, gal. Beggars can’t be choosers—no, sir!— 
(Turns upstage c. To Good News.) —Just ship 
my stuff to the Mansion House over to El Paso, 
will you? 



116 


ZANDER THE GREAT 


Good News. — {Stepping after him.) —Starting 
now? 

Texas.—I reckon. 

Good News. —Going to get drunk? 

Texas. —I might.— {At door rear, including 
them all.) —Well, so long folks.—(As he goes out 
rear off R. he sings — 

“Oh, I loved a gal, but she turned me down. 
Saddle up my pony, I'm a-going to town.” 

Good News. — {After a pause.) —I'm going out 
and see the kid. That's the trouble with gals 
nowadays. They're too doggoned choosey.— 
{Exits off rear to L.) 

Dan. — {Rises and comes to Mamie c.) —If you 
only would stay here and marry me, Mamie, I'd 
be the happiest man in the world.— (Mamie looks 
straight before her.) —I love you. And you love 
me. You needn't tell me you don't, because you 
do.— {Still no response from Mamie.) —There's 
nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you— 
nothing! 

Mamie. —Do you want to do something for me? 

Dan.—O f course I do. 

Mamie. —Then go down to the barn and get 
me that grey blanket. 

Dan. —You're only sending me for that blanket 
because you want to get rid of me. 

Mamie. —No, I ain't. Zander will need it. 
It's cold riding at night in an automobile. 

Dan.—H e's not riding in any automobile to¬ 
night. 



ZANDER THE GREAT 


117 


Mamie. —How's he going, then? 

Dan. —He's not going. You're not going. 

Mamie.—W e just are. 

Dan. —No, Mamie. 

Mamie. —What's going to stop us? 

Dan. — I don't know, but you are not going.— 
(Jackson makes a movement.) 

Mamie. —Don’t you let him worry you, Mr. 
Pepper. We are going—just as soon as Elmer's 
ready. 

Jackson. —You know that house next to Walter 
Tompkins? Elmer is thinking of buying it for 
you. 


(Elmer enters from L. rear.) 


Elmer. — I got the rabbits, Mamie. Are you 
ready to go now ?—(Coming down c.) 

Mamie. —Yes, Elmer.— (Dan Xes up to door c.) 

Jackson. — I was just telling Mamie you were 
thinking of buying that house next to Walter 
Tompkins. 

Elmer. —Would you like it, Mamie? 

Mamie. —I'd like it fine, Elmer. But wouldn't 
it cost a lot of money? 

Elmer.—O nly five thousand. 

Mamie.—D ollars? 

Elmer. —Five thousand dollars ain't much, 
Mamie. 



118 ZANDER THE GREAT 


Jackson.—I should say not! Elmer makes as 
much as that in a month. 

Mamie.—I n a month? 

Elmer.—W hy not? 

Mamie. —But nobody makes as much as that 
in a month—unless— (Suddenly she realizes just 
what it means.) —Elmer Lovejoy—you're a boot¬ 
legger! 

Elmer.—S ure! 

Jackson.—S ure! 

Mamie. —Can you beat it? And I nearly 
dragged that kid back into what I was trying to 
get him out of. 

Elmer. —But, Mamie!— (Zander enters rear 
from L. and ivalks slowly down to Mamie. Dan 
comes down to Mamie c.) 

Mamie. —We're not going, Elmer. 

Dan.—( Xing to her.) —Of course you're not. 
You're going to stay here and marry me. 

Mamie. —( Xing to Dan c.) —Will you adopt 
Zander?— (Dan nods.) —And love him like your 
own kid?— (Dan nods.) —And always be a good 
influence for him? 

Dan. —Yes, Mamie. 

Mamie. —Then I'll tell you something.—( She 
silps into Dan's arms.) 

Zander.— (Pulling at her skirt.) —Mamie! 

Mamie.— (Turning from Dan to Zander.)— 
Just a minute, honey. Mamie's busy.— (Dan 
and Mamie embrace as the — 


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